Has this been the best Olympics ever?

    I’d say yes. Certainly the best opening ceremonies; best pool conditions both diving and swimming; best track conditions. The gymnastics, volleyball and basketball venues rival professional stadiums. Even bikini-ball ... er… beach volleyball has a cute little stadium.

    Now for the jokes:

    Who knew Milli Vanilli had a hand in the opening ceremonies? Nine-year-old Lin Miaoke lip synchs while backstage seven-year-old Yang Peiyi belts it. No wonder George Bush had a strange smile on his face while listening.  They were doing the George and Dick (Cheney) routine.

    Race-walking has to be the silliest looking sport on the planet. Be certain it’s a sport started by constipated Londoners hurrying to make it to the last loo at Victoria Station. You have to laugh at a sport requiring more judges than participants.  And it’s only to make sure the “walkers” are not bending their knees or raising both feet off the ground. A bit ironic we think considering the judges, when delivering a warning or a penalty card, RUN over to the athlete. That’s not fair. For true justice the self-righteous judges should be made to race-walk their penalty cards to the offending athlete. I’d laugh at that, watching the judges try to catch them. “I say, old chap, please slow up. I have a penalty card for you. Hold up, I say.”

    Michael Phelps is heading back to Sea World with a tank load of hardware. We imagine a scene where the other dolphins greet Michael cheerfully because we all know how much dolphins love gold. Watch their cute little teeth chomping on the medals to check if they are real.

    Loads of controversy regarding the youthfulness of Chinese women gymnasts. Much has been made of the height and weight of these teenagers. Last we looked there wasn’t a barrier sign reading “YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO BE IN THE OLYMPICS.” If anything, instead of crying foul, our gymnasts should have been embarrassed to have been beaten by 13-year-olds.

    Jamaica, with men and women winners in all sprint categories, has proven to be the world’s fastest nation. Well there goes the idea about marijuana slowing everything down. World record setter, Usain Bolt of Jamaica, has been chastised by the IOC for excessive celebrations. Bolt responded “I can’t hear you, mon. These clanking gold medals are noisy, mon.”

    Rohullah Nikpai won the first ever Olympic medal for his country of Afghanistan. It was a bronze in the taekwondo 58-kilogram category where Nikpai beat world champion Juan Ramos of Spain. Congrats to Nikpai. We tried making a joke out of his name but couldn’t. But if his teammate, Nesar Bahave, also wins we’ll get a quote from Austin Powers.

    Speaking of names, China has too many athletes named He winning gold medals. Too many female athletes named He, that is, He Hexin in gymnastics and He Wanna in trampoline.  
Trampoline? Cannonball couldn’t get into the diving competition and trampoline makes it? Hey, the 60s called and they want their sport back. Okay, that was stupid. Can He ever forgive me?