A column should serve a purpose, if for nothing else, make all my
readers feel cooler. From where I write this, in Oklahoma, the temp
topped 102 degrees this week and if I can make you feel cooler, if only
by comparison, I’ve performed a service.
By the way, 102 degrees, outside with no shade is plenty hot. I saw a
guy digging a ditch in this weather and it made me perspire, so much I
turned up the AC on my car full blast.
That’s why you have to respect marathoners who would run in this kind
of heat. Marathoners who compete in August, running in 102 degree
temps are crazy, right? Then a runner who ran an ultra marathon,
135 miles, in August, has to be ultra crazy. Wait, I’m getting
there. So a marathoner running 135 miles in August… in Death
Valley, where the temperatures exceed 130 degrees --- that’s moonbat
crazy. But it is happening. Right now.
Ultra marathoners are lining up to sacrifice their bodies on Satan’s
And they don’t just try to do five marathons in five days. They run
continuously. Double moonbat. The best of the best finish in 48 hours.
And they pay to do this with an entry fee of $795. Triple
moonbat! And get this, you have to apply! Only the best get in the race
at all. You have to provide an application with race winning
times of at least two 100 mile events. Whole flocks of moonbats!
It’s not enough you’re willing to suffer hallucinations, heat
exhaustion, brain damage, kidney failure, sleep deprivation, and foot
blisters the size of chipmunks, you have to prove to a committee that
you’re worthy of killing yourself. You have to be like the high school
student waiting at the mailbox to see if you got into Stanford… and
that’s not even with a scholarship. You still have to pay full price.
That’s Depends–wearing-astronaut moonbat.
runner this year is 67 year old Arthur Webb. Hey, don’t snicker
at Arthur. He finished 10 consecutive Badwaters. This year he
cramped up at mile 17; then jumped in a pool to cool down, and then
after resting, ice, and a few massages, he was on the course again –
not stopping until he crossed the finish line 40 hours later.
everything above, all the pain, your arms feeling like it’s on a
bar-b-q spit and sweat running into your eyes so hot it burns them and
then all the time your legs are crying out “You could be in
Vegas… by the pool… near some hotties.” No, that’s not the moonbattiest
The moonbattiest things about this whole exercise are the crewmembers
along to help their runners combat the elements. This is where we again
prove sports fans to be crazy… because in this case the crew members
are the fans. They are the ones giving up their vacations, out in the
same sweltering heat as the runners, running along to help establish a
pace, icing down the runners, keeping a hydration log, checking their
vitals and checking their urine. All these regular guys became field
nurses for the few days of Badwater. Small irony, then, the winner
turned out to be Marcos Farinozzo, a 40-year-old hospital worker from
Brazil with a time of 23:39:18.
While reading this I
hope you poured yourself a cool suds or an ice tea and enjoyed all the
coolness, by comparison, I’ve brought you. Just knowing there are
members of the human race willing to trudge up and down mountains with
temperatures exceeding that of hell’s basement should make those few
times you step out on the 100 plus days not all that bad. Now, let’s
all say aaaaaahhh.