This year the
British decided to add a little bit of class to their big fat tennis
tournament – no bagpipes. NO
BAGPIPES!! Of course, they’ve never been allowed before, but
before we never had so many Scots in the proceedings. Now so many Scots
are playing the All England Club found it necessary to issue some
edicts, Scottish related edicts.
male tennis players shall wear kilts!” No one wants to see a
Scottish bum at center court.
“Remove that Scottish bum, immediately!”
“But sir, he claims to be James Bond.”
“Any proof of this?”
“Yes sir. When I kicked him, he shook
his hand at me, but he didn’t stir.”
“He didn’t have a bagpipe with him,
“No but he was asking for money… a
penny, I think.”
plaid shall be worn on the courts!”
But what if it’s very tasteful
with just a hint of thicket?
“Absolutely no plaid! If we allow
plaid, what next? The Americans and their dreadful tiedye?”
long beards will be allowed! If you must wear a beard, conform
to the Wimbledon standard beard code.”
That’s a law long overdue,
because we know how Scottish tennis players love their long beards in
“If we don’t forbid long beards,
ZZ Top may try to enter.”
“As a doubles team they could tie
them together and return shots with only their beards.”
This is getting stupid.
We can see All England banning
bagpipes, or feeling the need to announce no bagpipes… because bagpipes
are like evil onions. Except no one cries when you cut open a bagpipe.
And the only way you can get two pipers to play in unison is to shoot
one. Every time you see a bagpiper playing, he’s always walking… to get
away from the sound. Don’t ask us about the range of a bagpipe… 50 feet
if you’ve got a good arm. People hate the bagpipe. To a civilized
person, a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipe… and
People hate the bagpipe. At
Wimbledon, they’d rather replace the strawberries and cream with haggis
than hear a bagpipe. Weird statistic: have you ever noticed buses
falling in a ravine always seem to have a bagpiper in them?
Another weird fact: cows hooked up to a bagpipe give cottage cheese. We
didn’t know that. Here’s another weird fact. Apparently there’s a group
trying to get mimes to take up the bagpipe. Here’s their reasoning:
They think if enough mimes play the bagpipes, regular bagpipers will
see the mimes playing and then put down their bags forever, where has a
double edged effect. It rids our society of bagpipers to be replaced by
the mime bagpipers which, according to the evil guys who cooked this
scheme up, won’t last long because the bacteria that lives in the
bagpipe lethally interacts, over time, with the face paint mimes use
and, voila, two despised segments of society gone forever.