Virginia held a contest to name their new AA baseball team. When the
team name “Flying Squirrels” was selected the town folk went a little…
shall we say “nutty.”
Deal with it, Richmond. Your precious “Braves” left
town. New ownership stepped up, held a legitimate contest and the name
Flying Squirrels was picked. Or as my Spanish speaking Russian friend
Davidoff Clarkinov likes to call them, Ardillas Voladoras.
It could have been worse. How does the Richmond Hush Puppies
sound? That name was a finalist. Ooooh, the Hush Puppies. Quiet
everyone… the Puppies be in the house. Who let the Pups out …
Yip,yip,yip, yip? Who let… do you see what I mean? Don’t know whether
we’re talking about the shoe or the fried bread or little quiet
doggies. Be happy with your Squirrels.
It could have been worse. It could have been the Flying Monkeys… of Doom!!
I know, I know. That sounds like a little league team … a darn feisty
little league team, at that. It could have been worse. It could have
been the Rock Hoppers, another finalist. Rock Hoppers are frogs.
Nobody’s going to call them the Rocks. They’ll be the Hoppers or the
Frogs. Makes for a cute mascot but Richmond University already has a
team called the Spiders and it wouldn’t be right to have the nickname
of your professional team be one that eats the nickname of your college
It could have been worse. Another finalist was the Flatheads,
a politically incorrect term for inbred hill people. That’s the nick we
were hoping for as nobody had previously championed inbreds. Why should
forehead-lacking hill people be left out of the mascot business? “Come
on, you cousin-lovin’ Flatheads!” “Get your inbreded feet down to first
base!” We loved the possibilities, a mascot in L’il Abner garb, Daisy
Maes as batgirls, even sandwiches made with flatbreads. “Get your
flatbreads here, you sister-lovin’…” HOLD ON! We’re getting word that
the term Flatheads was intended to mean the ugly fishies in Virginia lakes and not Backwoods Bubba with hair-gel in his eyes. Sorry.
It could have been worse – the Richmond Rhinos! Actually… not bad, sort of masculine.
“Charge, you Rhinos, charge! And use your horn for sexual potency… not evil.”
It could have been worse. It could have been one of the names all the Richmond conservatives wanted like the Rebels, or the Virginians, or the Rapids. “Run you Rapids, run. And be all wet… and stuff.”
But the Squirrels prevailed. Boris and Natasha
approve. Bullwinkle is no where to be found. And Rocky’s name will
never be mentioned, for that would be a trademark infringement.
The team, part of the San Francisco Giants organization, liked the
pizzazz of the Flying Squirrels suggestion and awarded Brad Mead, the
contest winner with two season tickets for life, a jacket and a cap.
Way to go, Brad. Brad made the gutsy suggestion. Brad had the acorns to
champion the Squirrels. Now their dugout will be the Squirrel Nest.
We’ll be able to buy Squirrel hats. Hopefully, not hats made from real
squirrels because that would be a tad un-mascotty… to kill an animal we
love enough to represent our city just to cover our heads. It should be
plastic hats like those folks in Arkansas use. You know who I mean,
those sooey-pig screamers? The ones who wear a red pig shaped helmet to
cover up their flat heads!
Go, Flying Squirrels, score. Be happy, Richmondites,
as you eat your tasty bag of nuts. It could have been worse.