I don’t know about you, but all this Big 12 news of the last few weeks has worn on me. In the words of a sadomasochist after a grueling session: “I’m beat.”
I’ve been beaten like a Singapore caning victim. Like an old dusty Persian rug draped over a balcony railing. I’ll be here all week. Try the Buffalo wings.

    Seriously, it’s like a group of pouty kids, each thinking the ball is his and threatening to walk:
    Missouri: I don’t think we’ve been treated right. We’re taking our Tiger colors and going to the Big 10. The Big 10 may be old and cold but they divvy up more marbles. But, we’re not going for the money, we’re going for higher academics because we’re all about being smart.
    Nebraska: It’s not our fault. The Big 10 wanted us ‘cause we’re pretty and corn-fed.
    Texas:  Mizzou, you’re full of it. Fat chance the Big 10 will take you anyway. You cry academics but you’ve got the Kenneth Lay (Enron) Chair of Economics and that Wal-Mart brat who wanted her name on your basketball gym, but cheated on her finals exam. Oh my, I’m sure the Big 10 is thrilled about that.
    Kansas: What about us?? We won a basketball championship, for crying out loud. What about us?
    Oklahoma State: You kidding us, Kansas? Talk to Nebraska. Beg them to stay on your team. They’re the greedy bastards. Tell them to go find a sugar daddy like we did. Yeah, he’s old, but he’s RICH!!
    Iowa State: You’re crapping on us for a few more bucks? You sluts! You know what we got? Senators who can get things done! You bail on us and you’re going to see the whole college sports game TAXED. All that television money, well, gee?  Good luck enjoying it when they take away your tax exemption.
    Texas A & M: I’m sticking with Bevo. I’m sticking with Bevo. Our fight song is all about Bevo. Wherever he goes, I go, and all my cadets will play soldier wherever Bevo goes.
    Baylor:  What about us? We graduate a lot of doctors and lawyers. You might find yourself in trouble or needing to see a doctor. We’re going to remember who treated us naughty. We might make you drink our water. You’re going to wish you brought us along.
    Colorado:  We’re going west... where they understand potheads… y’know what I mean? I never liked cornboy anyway. He was all uptight, man… ya dig? I’ll be on the slopes when he’s freezing in flatlands Michigan. Nah, nah, nah, ya dig?

    You see what I’m talking about? Where’s Rodney King when you need him?
Can’t these guys see eye to eye? They used to have sleepovers, go out camping, met in Oklahoma City or Kansas City for a tournament.  Now when one school calls, the other pretends to have lost his cell. Wearing. Me.Out.
    I’ll be glad when the divorce is over. I hope the in-laws stay in touch.