You know the story of “Blind Side” – wealthy benevolent white family takes in homeless black giant who turns into star football player. If I had a dime for every time this happened. But, in this case, a best selling 2006 book was made about Michael Oher’s life. The book led to a must-see movie which means, of course, everyone MUST see it, even crotchety old sports humor columnists.
    I go to the theatre on a mission – no blubbering. I have a reputation to uphold. I’m like that pen-wielding crossword puzzle player who defiantly says “no pencils.” Therefore I will drop my crutch and walk into the theatre sans hankie. Yeah, I said no hankie.  I’m determined, no matter how hard they try to jerk my tears, I will not well. No “Rudy” moments for me. For this time I’ll act the part of a cynical sports humor columnist. I will even charge my tickets off as a business expense. That’s how a cynical sports humor columnist would do it.

    If that weren’t enough I buy insurance against bawling. I go into Walgreen’s “ocular products” aisle and fortify myself with an item which claims to be for “DRY EYES.” Take that, you tear jerking movie-makers, you can’t jerk me… cause I’m going to drop in the DRY EYES.

    The movie is still young when it becomes obvious my stiff-lipped aspirations will be short lived. Right after the wealthy white family taking in Big Mike announces they are the “Tuohys,” I almost lost it. I’m thinking “Yes, this poor kid had to live alone on the mean streets of Memphis… and, sure, Elvis sang a song about it… but these people had to live with the name - Tuohy.”  Their name is Tuohy and here I sit ... with no hankie. If my name were Tuohy, I’d look to adopt a giant kid… to protect us.

    Did I say it was a sad movie? How about this little fact? The Tuohy family made their fortune from owning fast food restaurants in the Memphis area, stores like Taco Bell, KFC and Long John Silvers. The sad thing? This was in Memphis and Elvis is already DEAD.  Not trying to be greedy but… erecting a string of fast food stands in Memphis after Elvis and his entourage left the building? I’m starting to well up.

    Fortunately, I stifled the drops until the recruiting scenes. Michael had become so good a series of coaches visit his home – Nick Saban from LSU, Lou Holtz from South Carolina, Tommy Tuberville from Auburn, Phil Fulmer from Tennessee, Mike Shula of Alabama and finally Ed Orgeron of Mississippi. It was a parade of coaches who – and this is where the tears start to seep -- all lose their jobs within two years of visiting Big Mike. I worry all these coaches lost their jobs by stepping into the Tuohy household. Lips quivering.

           Mike finally ends up at Ole Miss, not a spoiler as everyone already knew. Also no secret the Tuohys and Mike’s tutor hired by the Tuohys were all Mississippi grads. What the movie left out is that for Mike’s first three years of college, Mississippi only won three games. The Tuohys plus Tuohy’s tutor persuaded Mike to attend a school called the Rebels, where Rebel flags are flown and a school which only wins three games in his first three years. Three games! Starting to well, blubbering up, tear ducts opening. Can’t seem to stifle, even with DRY EYES. Roy Orbison tuning up. Oh, noooo, here it comes. I’m weeping like Roy Williams leaving Kansas. I’m bawling like Paris Hilton heading back to jail. I was blind sided.