the main reason Chuck Norris might purchase the baseball Texas Rangers
- to battle Nolan Ryan. No lie, this is the theory described in the
blog “The Common Man” on July 8: “Chuck and Nolan meet at Rangers
Field, battle to a draw where the men collide emitting a mushroom cloud
of testosterone to rain down on all Texans forcing everyone, women
included, to grow facial hair.”
I’ve driven around Texas, this may have already
happened. But, seriously…
wouldn’t Walker, Texas Ranger, be the perfect guy to guide the baseball
Rangers out of bankruptcy? Say he teams up with Mark Cuban or Nolan
Ryan, we’d have a competitive team that could round-house-kick its way
to the World Series.
Some say the “Washington Senators” moved to
Arlington and changed their name just to bask in Chuck Norris’s aura.
Who can blame them? Follow the history of the Rangers and you see the
Norris influence every step of the way. When George W. Bush presided
over the Rangers, Norris told him to build a new stadium and the
citizens will gladly tax themselves. When the Arlington council balked
at this idea, Chuck Norris paid them a visit.
Jose Canseco, A-Rod, Sosa and others shot up so
their muscles wouldn’t experience Norris envy in the presence of
Chuck. The Great Norris has influenced our national pastime for
years. He is the reason baseball has no time limit, he doesn’t
want one. When Chuck Norris pulls a groin it’s always someone
else’s. Chuck Norris doesn’t steal bases, he takes what is
rightfully his. The Blue Angels do a fly by to light Chuck’s cigar.
Can you see the benefits of a Norris owned team?
Traffic jams will no longer exist because vehicles on the same roads as
Rangers fans will gladly pull to the shoulders. During
seventh-inning stretches everyone uses “Total Gyms.” The celebratory
fireworks will just be Chuck blowing smoke rings. The beer will be
Beard Beer sweetened with the earthy aroma of Chuck’s facial hair. When
a late night game threatens to roll over into the next morning, Chuck
Norris halts the earth’s rotation so we can finish on the same day we
started. Why, because, he wants it that way.
I can see it happening. A-Rod, who is now claiming
the Rangers owe him
$ 25 million in deferred compensation, will drop his claim. In return,
Chuck Norris will drop his foot. The banks, who list themselves as
secured creditors, drop their claims for the security of having their
vault doors remain in one-piece. The aura of Chuck Norris will
glow over the stadium. The Rangers save a fortune in lighting bills. If
rain threatens to delay the start of a game, Chuck Norris is one phone
I see it as a win-win, just so long as Chuck Norris
doesn’t write a column. In one paper Chuck’s column ran next to mine
and it was… it was… the best piece of literature ever penned by a