Bernie Madoff went to town
Made off with my money
Stuck my money in his cap
And called it macaroni…
Oops, sorry, nothing to do with sports. And it’s
stupid anyway, who sticks things in caps, either feathers or currency,
and calls it pasta. That’s stupid! Almost as bad as two college
football teams swapping coaches. No one would do that, would they?
“Here, you take my lousy coach. He only won five games in two seasons.”
“I might but only on one condition! You take my coach but… you’re going
to have to listen to his stories.”
No one swaps coaches. That’s unheard of. That kind
of thing only happens on the FOX Network. No sane schools do that –
unless their names are Iowa State and Auburn. Okay, that might explain
it. It could happen if you’re in a state where you’re a step-child
school to a bigger state university. If Iowa and Alabama are the biggie
schools, and you’re the catch-up nose-pressed-to-the-window little
school, you might be permitted to swap coaches.
That’s what happened. Iowa State’s head coach, Gene
Chizik (Slavic for “Adios, Ames”), was hired to coach Auburn and
Auburn’s defensive coordinator (okay, he wasn’t all THAT defensive
about it), Paul Rhoads, was hired to coach Iowa State. The odd thing
is, of course, that Paul Rhoads didn’t go off to coach at Texas first.
If you don’t get that one, just know it is in the Auburn defensive
coordinator coaching contract that if you are considering leaving
Auburn, you must contact Mack Brown first.
The biggest group of Auburn alums, weight wise, is
very unhappy with this coach swap. That group is named Charles
Barkley. “It’s just turrrible, turrrible,” is one way we make fun
of Mr. Barkley. Charles would have rather had Turner Gill, a black
coach with a better resume.
Both coaches say they are happy with their new jobs.
TRANSLATION: “You paid me a bunch, bunch more than I was getting at my
former school.” And it happens to turn out that both coaches had
formerly coached defense at their new schools. So it’s like they’re
returning home. Things are all touchy-feely and oh, so familiar.
“I’m an Iowan,” says Paul Rhoads, “My dad is in the Iowa High School
Coaches Hall of Fame. I was raised in Ankeny.” For those not in the
know, Ankeny is a town ten miles from Ames. And if you’re raised in
Ankeny, Iowa, you are respected by Iowans. On the other hand, if you’re
raised in “Infamy, Iowa”, not as much.
Gene Chizik says he is the right man for the job. He
went back to a school where he had good success as a defensive coach.
“I realize I told Jamie Pollard, the athletic director at Iowa State, I
was happy there. Who wouldn’t be happy when you just lost ten games in
a row and you’re looking at a winter that will freeze your bottom off?
Iowans do not understand sarcasm! That’s why I returned to Auburn.”
Paul Rhoads has an idea to attract very smart
football players. That’s his plan. “I want good players, but I want
them smart, also.” That’s why he plans to give out football
scholarships named after himself. “Being a small school doesn’t keep us
from being smart. Players can come to the Cyclones as Rhoads Scholars. Not many other schools can offer that.” Pretty clever, we think, an idea that might even do Bernie Madoff proud.