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Coaching Carousel Cr-a-a-zy  by Stan Silliman     humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Coaching Carousel Cr-a-a-zy    

      The college basketball coaching changes this year have been fast, furious and foolish. 

    To start, Tubby Smith leaves Kentucky - the program with the largest arena and biggest fan base - to go to a scandal ridden program, Minnesota (Chippewa word for small soft drink). Some of you may ask what’s a Tubby Smith? To which we answer: a worker who specializes in tubs for midgets. “Ah say, Mr. Tim, whats be wrong wit your little steffi graf tub today?” Okay, that’s our best cockney plumber.

    Then, get this, you lead a couple of teams to the NCAA tournament and then you’re fired at Arkansas by Frank Broyles, no less, close to resigning himself. Then even more craziness ensues. Frank Broyles (meaning  really high heat on your hotdogs) fires Stan Heath (sweet chocolate on the outside with crunchy nuts in the center) and thinks he’s going to hire Billy Gillespie from Texas A & M. Billy says no, of course, and the heat rises even more on Mr. Broyles so he snaps up Dana Altman, Creighton coach from Omaha (Dakota word for storm the beach, boys) and Altman who shares a last name with famed Hollywood director, Robert Altman, accepts the job. This is where it gets crazy. Altman, the coach, not the Altman who directed M*A*S*H, the Long Goodbye and Short Cuts, accepts the job, shows up in Fayetteville where he’s greeted by fans in hog hats who proceed to squeal at him “Soooie, Go Hawgs, Soooie, Pig, Soooie.” At this point, the brain of Altman the coach and not Altman the director, who, by the way, is dead, starts saying to the rest of his body “Awwwww. Oh my gawd. Look what you got us into. Where’s the Shortest Cut outta here? There are all these folks in Hawg Hats. Yiiiikes!! What if we just gave them a Long Goodbye before we get M*A*S*H*E*D?” So then when he gets back to Omaha (Indian word for storm the beach, a second time ,in case they didn’t get the joke the first time around) he makes like The Player and says it’ll be That Cold day in the Park before I coach a team where their fans wear hog hats. (Two more Robert Altman movies.)

    Was that crazy enough for you? You know what we love about the whole thing? Remember Frank Broyles, the old grizzled athletic director, who when he gets mad turns Soooie hawg crazy red? Well, when Altman tells him he was Beyond Therapy and Came Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean (two more Altmans), Broyles (an Ozark word for fiery, red hot) was already in Augusta checked into his favorite course-side bungalow and ready to enjoy watching the Masters when he has to get on a plane (“Darn, dang, flyin-machines…. Grrrr, waitin-in-line… first-class-all-booked-up… Ma’am-could-ya-get-your-kid-to-quit-staring-at-me”) and fly back to Fayetteville.  

    The carousel is just getting started. Tommy Amaker is fired at Michigan (Sioux/Yiddish word meaning “A State so Schitzo it needs an Upper Penisula?”) so Michigan hires West Virginia coach John Beilein whose team just won the N.I.T but had to give their trophy back because their T-Shirt maker spelled their team “West Virgina.” (which is an Indian word for… sorry.) However, John’s West Virginia contract came with a big buy-out - $2.5 million dollars - which will immediately be enough to allow all the Appalachian home dwellers to upgrade to double-wides.  Michigan saw no problem paying the buyout, saying former alum Chris Webber had that much hidden in his socks.
Coaching Carousel Cr-a-a-zy  by Stan Silliman     humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    So then Bob Huggins, coach of Kansas State in Manhattan, Kansas, where fans fell in love with him and called their little fandom Huggyville, holds a press conference to say he is leaving Manhattan (which is a Delaware word for $24 Dollars in Beads) for his alma-mater West Virginia.  To top it off, the heading-to-West-Virginia Bob Higgins, says, and we feel this might be a low blow, that Manhattan was just a little “too hickey” for him.

    Of course, after all this, Billy Gillespie takes the Kentucky job, and Franks Broyles is still looking for a coach. We have a suggestion for him – a coach everyone seems to like – Stan Health, crunchy nutty in the center, of course, just like this year’s coaching carousel.  

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