Two things about squash: 1) it’s a vegetable and 2) also a game. Here’s a third thing about squash, it has nothing to do with this column. I only said this because a friend keeps after me to write something about squash. I hope he’s satisfied. And to all those who wish I would write something about pants (and I expect that to be not many) here’s one for you.

    Last week a pair of twenty-year-old-mud-caked Madras golf trousers was found on the Lake Martin, Alabama shoreline. In the pants was an alligator wallet. In the wallet were credit cards from the mid-eighties plus a driver’s license belonging to Patrick Fain Dye. The only reason the pants were found now is that the lake has had an extreme drought and the shoreline is 15’ below its normal level.

    Now the big question and one in which I’m hoping they’ll call in the detectives from Cold Case. Did Patrick Fain Dye die? If Mr. Dye died, what was he doing on the lake that fateful day two decades ago? Boating accident? Skinny dipping during an illicit escapade only to venture too far off shore? Bank robbery, where all the participants met at the lake to divide up their loot only to find some of the robbers didn’t like their cut and used firearms to register their displeasure and after Mr. Dye is shot he’s thrown in the lake with loose trousers? That might explain why no money was found in the wallet. I’m sure the Cold Case detectives can re-enact all the possible scenarios.  

    Shannon McDuffie found the pants, and fortunately for Mr. Dye but not for our story, he is still alive. And, here’s an interesting tidbit, Dye coached football at Auburn University for eleven years (1981-1992) and, apparently, lost these his pants right in the middle of his coaching career.  Shannon McDuffie tracked down Pat Dye to tell him about finding his lost pants. It turns out Pat Dye is still working for Auburn, remembers the pants but can’t remember losing them. He admits to having a place by the lake in an area called Still Waters in the 80’s but doesn’t remember losing his pants. Do we buy that?. Not only his pants were lost but his wallet with credit cards and a set of Toyota car keys were in those pants. Hmmm? Don’t be surprised if Lilly Rush of Cold Case rushes down from Philadelphia to investigate. At first, Lt. John Stillman will ask Lilly if anyone was missing or murdered in central Alabama in the mid-eighties. She’ll say she’s not sure but when he hears a football coach is involved, he’ll permit her to snoop around. 

    It’s VERY suspicious, to lose madras pants by a lakeshore with a wallet (AND keys) and not remember losing them. The agony of not having your keys let alone the credit cards ought to spark a few memories. The ONLY explanation we’ll accept is that Pat Dye was walking along the lake shore and some Auburn fans approached him and mentioned the madras pants he was wearing exactly matched the plaid pattern in Bear Bryant’s hat. If that’s the case and there is also a chance more Auburn fans might be coming down the shore it might explain Coach Dye swiftly dropping his pants, folding them neatly and sneaking home wearing only his bathing suit. This could be plausible because Shannon found them neatly folded and creased and we assume Pat Dye left his wallet and keys because he fully intended to come back, retrieve his pants and return home after the Auburn fans had left. But what if when he returned he couldn’t remember exactly where he had stashed the pants and eventually it floated out in the lake. He came back to his lake house, canceled his credit cards, found his set of spare keys and made no big deal about the loss of his pants because he didn’t want anyone knowing about the Bear Bryant pattern plaid pants. Nothing will get an Auburn coach fired quicker than wearing a porkpie hat or Bear plaid. We’ll accept this explanation although we doubt Coach Dye will ever fess and when Lilly Rush realizes the circumstances, we also doubt she’ll reveal Dye’s secret. She’s kind in that way.