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Colbert Speed Skates To The Rescue  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Colbert Speed Skates To The Rescue

             The “Stephen Colbert Shown” has become a major sponsor of the U.S. Speed Skating Team.
    COLBERT NATION will be emblazoned on the huge thighs of the skaters as they cross in front of the cameras. When Colbert runs his victory lap around his studio audience he will do it with a speed skater’s wave and underneath his sharp suits will be an aerodynamically shaved body. He will not have on a helmet, for there is no need… when he already has helmet hair.

    Stephen Colbert may be kidding when he pretends to be an ultra-conservative pundit on a fake punditry Comedy Central show but he doesn’t kid about his support for charities or fundraising. He loves his causes, being the good Catholic, whether raising money for Food Banks or helping an Olympic team which lost their primary sponsor.

    Colbert stepped up when the original sponsor DSB Bank NV, a Dutch Bank, declared bankruptcy in October. Wait a moment. Whoa, back up! In the first place, what was a Dutch bank doing sponsoring our team? Was there no American bank solvent enough to put up a half-million to front our team? In the second place, what was a Dutch bank doing sponsoring our team? Did they expect the bouquet of flowers our skaters would be carrying during victory laps to be tulips?
Did they expect our skaters to be wearing wooden shoes? Did they expect our skaters to be standing on the victory podium to breakout in the windmill? Actually, that would be funny. The gold medal is draped, the anthem played and then the skater does the windmill, robotically, of course.

    As much as I’m happy Colbert did his patriotic step up, I’m more concerned with the decision making of Bob Crowley, executive director of US Speedskating. Yes, Cowley made a save when he enlisted Colbert, but he also enlisted that Dutch bank. And not just any Dutch bank, but one that was skating… on THIN ICE! Thin ice… Get it? Whooaa, pardon me while I take my victory lap around the kitchen. I’m wearing my thin rimmed glasses and toothy smile as I make a second trip around the center island. I’m high-fiving my lovely wife, the only other person in the room. She gives that look. I say “Thin ice!”
Colbert Speed Skates To The Rescue  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    Colbert will not only entice thousands of fans to contribute but he’ll do his show from Vancouver when the Winter Olympics start in mid-February. They are the same fans who helped Colbert get a treadmill in the international space station named in Colbert’s honor. They are loyal fans in the millions and on day one $40,000 was raised for the team. This team, US Speedskating, has won 75 Olympic medals and has been our most successful winter sports team. You could say it has a great track record! Track record… Get it? Whoa, pardon me while I take… a… Where’s the wife? What good is a victory lap without an audience? Hey, broom, put it… no you’re just an inanimate stick with fancy hair. Hey, Mr. Apple, do you mind if I toss you while I lap the kitchen? Now, I hear the Dear Wife. She’s in a small room. I won’t mention which but I can’t lap it.

    “Track record,” I yell out.
    “Good for you, Honey,” she replies. She is very supportive.
    “Colbert!” I yell back.
    “Sorry,” she answers. “I’m already dressed.”


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