The “Stephen Colbert
Shown” has become a major sponsor of the U.S. Speed Skating Team.
will be emblazoned on the huge thighs of the skaters as they cross in
front of the cameras. When Colbert runs his victory lap around his
studio audience he will do it with a speed skater’s wave and underneath
his sharp suits will be an aerodynamically shaved body. He will not
have on a helmet, for there is no need… when he already has helmet hair.
Stephen Colbert may be kidding when he pretends to
be an ultra-conservative pundit on a fake punditry Comedy Central show
but he doesn’t kid about his support for charities or fundraising. He
loves his causes, being the good Catholic, whether raising money for
Food Banks or helping an Olympic team which lost their primary sponsor.
Colbert stepped up when the original sponsor DSB
Bank NV, a Dutch Bank, declared bankruptcy in October. Wait a moment.
Whoa, back up! In the first place, what was a Dutch bank doing
sponsoring our team? Was there no American bank solvent enough to put
up a half-million to front our team? In the second place, what was a
Dutch bank doing sponsoring our team? Did they expect the bouquet of
flowers our skaters would be carrying during victory laps to be tulips?
Did they expect our skaters to be wearing wooden shoes? Did they expect
our skaters to be standing on the victory podium to breakout in the
windmill? Actually, that would be funny. The gold medal is draped, the
anthem played and then the skater does the windmill, robotically, of
As much as I’m happy Colbert did his patriotic step
up, I’m more concerned with the decision making of Bob Crowley,
executive director of US Speedskating. Yes, Cowley made a save when he
enlisted Colbert, but he also enlisted that Dutch bank. And not just
any Dutch bank, but one that was skating… on THIN ICE! Thin ice… Get
it? Whooaa, pardon me while I take my victory lap around the kitchen.
I’m wearing my thin rimmed glasses and toothy smile as I make a second
trip around the center island. I’m high-fiving my lovely wife, the only
other person in the room. She gives that look. I say “Thin ice!”
Colbert will not only entice thousands of fans to
contribute but he’ll do his show from Vancouver when the Winter
Olympics start in mid-February. They are the same fans who helped
Colbert get a treadmill in the international space station named in
Colbert’s honor. They are loyal fans in the millions and on day one
$40,000 was raised for the team. This team, US Speedskating, has won 75
Olympic medals and has been our most successful winter sports team. You
could say it has a great track record! Track record… Get it? Whoa,
pardon me while I take… a… Where’s the wife? What good is a victory lap without an
audience? Hey, broom, put it… no you’re just an inanimate stick with
fancy hair. Hey, Mr. Apple, do you mind if I toss you while I lap the
kitchen? Now, I hear the Dear Wife. She’s in a small room. I
won’t mention which but I can’t lap it.
“Track record,” I yell out.
“Good for you, Honey,” she replies. She is very
“Colbert!” I yell back.
“Sorry,” she answers. “I’m already dressed.”