fans, rejoice! Even if your team hasn’t won in an eternity, you get to
spend eternity with fellow fans. That’s because the Bohemian National
Cemetery is building a final resting spot that looks like center wall
at Wrigley Field.
So what if you are losers? So what if you are dead?
Here you get to commiserate with fellow Cubs fans, who know very well
the word “dead” when it comes to pennant races. And when your loved
ones come to visit you, they’ll see a place that looks like Wrigley
Field and if a game is on they will hear it piped in through loud
speakers. Some of you will be so excited about this you’ll just go
ahead and die rather than saying “wait till next year” as Cubs fans are
prone to do. And speaking of “prone,” that’s not how you’ll be laid out
in your special Cubs casket.
In fact, most of the Cub fans at this new cemetery will be cremated, in a brand new $ 100, 000 oven (take that, White Sox fans),
and then interred with a bronze baseball card plaque and special Cubs
logo urn. All this, for the special Cub fans discount price of $
Here are some other features that should excite you,
Cubs fan. There will be a stained-glass scoreboard. Not sure what the
score will be. More than likely, the Cubs will be losing. Hey, at a
cemetery, they have to be honest. The bronze baseball card accompanying
each urn will have a photograph of you, the deceased fan and, through
the magic of digitalization, you can be dressed up in a Cubs hat,
jersey or, get this, FULL uniform (take that, Bears fans.)
Dennis Mascari, president of Fans Forever, Inc is
very excited about this venture and says it will transform the cemetery
experience. What Dennis is saying, Cubs fan, is that your loved ones
will come visit more often. You won’t be stuck there in your urn
kibitzing ashes to ashes. Real live beings will come out for the
experience, even kids. Okay, we liked the idea so far, until someone
mentioned the kids. The kids thing worries us.
Here’s what we’re worried about, Cubs fan. You’re
setting in your urn… you know all relaxed, like there’s not a bone in
your body and there’s your bronze baseball card next to you with a
picture of you in Ernie Bank’s uniform and your stats. You know what
the stats will be, don’t you? Like how many Cubs games you attended,
the number of autographed balls you own, the number of times you called
into the sports radio station, etc. And there are a lot of visitors
bringing the grandkids and you know how kids love to trade baseball
cards? I’m not saying they’ll steal your card and take it home, just
that they’ll trade it with another card on the wall. Heck, with 280
cards and urns, who is to say your card, with its great stats, isn’t
worth two cards from the end. Kids love trading cards.
Other than the fact your card could get stolen or
traded, this sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it Cubs fan? You’re
buried in a park or you’re interred in a wall. That’s better than
having your ashes scattered on Wrigley Field, isn’t it. Hundreds of
your fellow fans did just that, scattered ashes on the outfield and you
know what, the turf got removed. The Cubs can change the turf whenever
they feel like and they didn’t sanction any scattering of ashes. So if
your loved one thought he was safe in the outfield, well, he wasn’t.
Bohemian National makes a little more sense… as if there is anything
about extending fanaticism to the afterlife that makes sense. But, at
least, outfielders won’t be slipping on your ashes. Think about that
one, Cubs fan. How many pennant races did that cost you?