Cub fans, rejoice! Even if your team hasn’t won in an eternity, you get to spend eternity with fellow fans. That’s because the Bohemian National Cemetery is building a final resting spot that looks like center wall at Wrigley Field.

    So what if you are losers? So what if you are dead? Here you get to commiserate with fellow Cubs fans, who know very well the word “dead” when it comes to pennant races. And when your loved ones come to visit you, they’ll see a place that looks like Wrigley Field and if a game is on they will hear it piped in through loud speakers. Some of you will be so excited about this you’ll just go ahead and die rather than saying “wait till next year” as Cubs fans are prone to do. And speaking of “prone,” that’s not how you’ll be laid out in your special Cubs casket.

    In fact, most of the Cub fans at this new cemetery will be cremated, in a brand new $ 100, 000 oven (take that, White Sox fans), and then interred with a bronze baseball card plaque and special Cubs logo urn. All this, for the special Cub fans discount price of $ 5000.  

    Here are some other features that should excite you, Cubs fan. There will be a stained-glass scoreboard. Not sure what the score will be. More than likely, the Cubs will be losing. Hey, at a cemetery, they have to be honest. The bronze baseball card accompanying each urn will have a photograph of you, the deceased fan and, through the magic of digitalization, you can be dressed up in a Cubs hat, jersey or, get this, FULL uniform (take that, Bears fans.) 

    Dennis Mascari, president of Fans Forever, Inc is very excited about this venture and says it will transform the cemetery experience. What Dennis is saying, Cubs fan, is that your loved ones will come visit more often. You won’t be stuck there in your urn kibitzing ashes to ashes. Real live beings will come out for the experience, even kids. Okay, we liked the idea so far, until someone mentioned the kids. The kids thing worries us.

    Here’s what we’re worried about, Cubs fan. You’re setting in your urn… you know all relaxed, like there’s not a bone in your body and there’s your bronze baseball card next to you with a picture of you in Ernie Bank’s uniform and your stats. You know what the stats will be, don’t you? Like how many Cubs games you attended, the number of autographed balls you own, the number of times you called into the sports radio station, etc. And there are a lot of visitors bringing the grandkids and you know how kids love to trade baseball cards? I’m not saying they’ll steal your card and take it home, just that they’ll trade it with another card on the wall. Heck, with 280 cards and urns, who is to say your card, with its great stats, isn’t worth two cards from the end. Kids love trading cards.

    Other than the fact your card could get stolen or traded, this sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it Cubs fan? You’re buried in a park or you’re interred in a wall. That’s better than having your ashes scattered on Wrigley Field, isn’t it. Hundreds of your fellow fans did just that, scattered ashes on the outfield and you know what, the turf got removed. The Cubs can change the turf whenever they feel like and they didn’t sanction any scattering of ashes. So if your loved one thought he was safe in the outfield, well, he wasn’t. Bohemian National makes a little more sense… as if there is anything about extending fanaticism to the afterlife that makes sense. But, at least, outfielders won’t be slipping on your ashes. Think about that one, Cubs fan. How many pennant races did that cost you?