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Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

Cutty Sark Scuttles Coach Sark

Washington head coach Steve Sarkisian
talks to the media during the NCAA college
football Pac-12 Media Day on Friday, July
26, 2013, in Culver City, Calif. (AP
Photo/Jae C. Hong) CAJH112


USC coach Steve Sarkisian apologized for being a drunk-word-slurring-F-bomb-tossing-dildo-joke-telling jerk at last Saturday’s Salute to Troy event.

Okay, about that. Apparently, Coach Sark can’t handle his Sark. And, besides him saying most of his opponents suck, his dildo jokes also sucked. You’d think at a school where the team is called the “Trojans” they’d be, at least, safe sex dildo jokes. Sarkisian was enthusiastic, one could say, because most of the big money donors were at this rally. We’ve tracked down a few USC Trojan alumni and former employees to rate and get their takes on Sark’s performance.

Former coach, Lane Kiffen, knows what it’s like to incur the wrath of Pat Haden:

Kiffed to the

Kiffen blames Sark’s blow-up on Steve’s divorce and then goes on to say “My wife is still the hottest coach’s wife in the business.” Kiffen’s wife responds below:


Coach Pete Carroll, says that if Sark is tossing a dildo joke he shouldn’t wait until there’s only a few seconds left in the speech and the possibility exists the joke could be intercepted. Thanks, Pete.

Former player, Reggie Bush, thinks Sarkisian should tell the press he started messing with a Kardashian. He’s certain the press will understand and forgive him.


OJ Simpson chimes in (Did you think we could stop him?) with his sage advice: “Tell them, Sark, you got carried away because you really love them. Then deny you told any dildo jokes but you’ll find out really did. Then write a book titled “If I Really Did Tell a Dildo Joke.”

O.J., don’t you know Sarkisian was video taped telling the dildo joke?

“Oh, really,” O.J. responds, “Who is to say a racist cop didn’t doctor the video tape? Have you ever seen ‘Bad Lip Reading’? Somebody else could have told those jokes and made it look like Sark doing it. Look at this below picture. Someone is copying my pulling off a glove style.”


With friends like this, I’m sure Sark is feeling pretty secure about his job.

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