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Defense Nominee Gates Quite Stealthy by Stan Silliman


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Defense Nominee Gates Quite Stealthy

      Revealed: The identity of Ranger 65. Turns out to be none other than Secretary of Defense nominee and former Texas A & M President Robert Gates.  Gates confessed that he has been posting on Aggie sports internet fan message boards as Ranger 65.  
    Here’s his post as he confessed and said farewell “Folks, as I just posted on another thread, it is time for true confessions as I prepare to depart Aggieland (Ranger 65 because that is my college class – ’65 - and Ranger because he’s buried in my front yard.) I have enjoyed reading you all for the past four and a half years – well, at least most of you.”

    It’s not hard to figure out where he learned his stealthy ways. He was in the C.I.A. for like… forever and you might think he may have patched into a message board a few times. Like, for example, the model Svetlena’s fan board:
     “Svetlena, you are so hot. Oh, and that silk sparkly wrap Valentino put you in on the Milan runway, I could die. Absolutely die. I can’t wait for his show and you to come to New York. By the way, I understood your boyfriend, Boris, just came back from Bulgaria. Did he say anything about a package?”
    Signed: I vant to be Svetlena

    For all we know, Dr. Gates could have been Blood Ninja, you know the character that comes into chat rooms, picks out an unsuspecting female, starts talking sexy to her, gets her worked up and then heads off on a completely different tangent. Nobody really knows the identity of Blood Ninja but many of us suspect he could be C.I.A.  Here’s an example:

    “Okay, are you naked? Okay. And you’re in the kitchen and you’ve got the spatula? Okay. And you can still type? Okay. Now lift one leg… Huh? About two feet high. Now can you reach the oregano? Where’s the paprika? The egg beater, have you got the egg beater? Now how about the job Bush is doing in Iraq? Do you think Dick Cheney should just take his hunting rifle over there?”
Defense Nominee Gates Quite Stealthy by Stan Silliman
    Another question is should he be this sneaky when he becomes our S.O.D.  (Secretary of Defense) And if he does post on various websites, say to get the measure of the populace on critical defense issues, will he use a sneaky post name?
    This is where we can help. A SOD without a good nom de plume is a sad SOD. To infiltrate the webs covertly requires a delicate crafty user name. Here are a few suggestions:

     Gater – This is very stealthy. Most message room posters will think he’s a Florida fan.
     Dr. of the D – If I were him, I’d consider this one. He’s a PhD or a Doctor and “the D” in sports lingo stands for “Defense.” So he’ll be called Doc by the other posters and they’ll be never the wiser. So when he asks “Could we shorten the war if we temporarily raised troop levels? Pretend you’re advising the president for a day and you had a big spatula in the kitchen, trying to fry some eggs but insurgents jump out and knock the eggs out of your carton.”
    Of course, the posters will reply “Oh, Doc, we’re not worried about that. Jamie’s trying to decide whether she ought run off for the weekend with Joey. We’re saying Bahamas. How about you, Doc?”    

    If neither of those work he can always go with “The Sodster.”
    Yea, we know. He’ll thank us later.

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