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Denver Fans Tickets by Stan Silliman


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

           Denver fans have offered the moon to get their little sun-starved hands on playoff tickets. It’s has gotten so bad Denver Post reporter Manny Gonzales compiled a list of the most unusual offers: things like a doctor offering a free vasectomy, or an astrophysics prof offering a semester of tutoring, or a half-caret diamond ring that was supposed to be a wife’s valentine gift.

    Well, Manny didn’t search far enough. We found even more enticing offers from fans. Some of these you will not believe:

    Damir Dokic, father of tennis star Jelena Dokic, has offered NOT to nuke Sydney, Australia, if someone gives him two tickets to the game. We think this offer should be acted on quick, especially if you’re an opera lover because Dokic is the wackiest of all tennis dads and in yesterday’s paper he made the threat to drop the bomb just because his daughter is returning to Australia. We don’t advise giving out tickets to just anyone who says they won’t nuke a major city but in this case when you know this Serbian tennis nut coach had already uttered, and he’s known for saying crazy things before like “Venus Williams? Pah, she’s a joke. Her father hasn’t hit anyone for, oh, ages” or “I’m not coming back to the USA country, it’s too communist” or “I thought about killing an Australian in revenge with help of Serbian politicians. Only two volunteered but one was waiting to be tried for International War Crimes.” Maybe those quotes mean little individually… but collectively, giving up two tickets …and possibly save Elle McPherson? Worth it we say.

    Dokic could probably nab tickets a lot cheaper than offering to not nuke Sydney just by proposing to introduce his daughter to star-struck tennis fans. Tickets would be flying over the Rockies if that happened.

    Michael Jackson has offered NOT to camp out with an Aurora, Colorado cub scout pack in exchange for two tickets. Some good citizen should come forward on that.

    Kobe Bryant, in exchange for two tickets, says that when he comes in to play the Denver Nuggets, he’ll remove all chairs from his hotel room. We think that’s a fair offer: anything to minimize the rape possibilities. Good citizens should step up.
    The Boulder County guy who got his butt Superglued to toilet seats at Home Depot, not once but twice, has promised if any one can supply him with two tickets he’ll stay away from the toilet seat at your house.  So far, nobody has taken him up on his offer. We fear one day some Denverite will walk in his own home, expecting to have privacy in his own privy but lo and behold… firmly stuck to the john will be Bob Dougherty. Not a pretty sight.   
Denver Fans Tickets by Stan Silliman
    Lets’ go back to Dr. Broman, the urologist trying to barter a vasectomy. What if Denver loses and he’s a little pissed? Okay, bad urologist reference. Are you willing to trust your you-knows to a doc not willing to pay regular cash for tickets? What if he has Broncos remorse, upset because Jake Plummer fumbled? And he’s waving his scalpel around and all you hear is “lousy Plummer” and you’re thinking that’s the last thing you need to hear coming from an urologist. Only thing worse would be “You know, these weren’t very good tickets. I had to sit next to Steelers fans and they had their towels. I stole one of them and I swore if I ever need it to wipe up a whole lot of blood…”

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