Future Scene: Oregon court room where
replay review official, Gordon Riese, is on the witness stand in the
Oklahoma-Oregon game nullification case.
Attorney: Mr. Reise, on the Captain Hazelwood
Scale-of-In-Competency with 1) being mildly incompetent to 10) piloting
your jumbo jet upside down while drowsy drunk, how would you rate your
you say IN-competency? It was windy, I was hurried, fans were screaming
and ABC was slow to feed me.
Attorney: Mr. Reise, you’re now saying you blew the call
because ABC didn’t send you proper feed?
sir, it was improper. It was all their fault.
Attorney: And what kind of feed was ABC to provide
you, Mr. Reise, CHICKEN? POTATOES?? What was it, Mr. Reise?
Attorney: Object. Counsel is badgering the witness.
Charlie, you know in these parts, we call that “Beavering the witness.”
Attorney: Sir, he’s ducking the question.
what we do around here. He’s a Duck. I’m a Duck. Everyone’s a Duck…
Attorney: Can you make him answer the question? He clearly
screwed up. We all saw it, yet he’s trying to blame ABC.
Attorney: Everyone around here knows that ABC is owned by
Attorney: What the…? What in heck does ABC being owned by Disney
have to do with anything?
Around here, we call ABC the Mouse. You probably wouldn’t understand
because back in Oklahoma you have sales tax. We don’t have sales tax
here in Oregon so we don’t see things eye to eye.
Attorney: This is ridiculous.
I said, you have sales tax so certain concepts may be hard for you to
comprehend. Up here, Mice and Ducks don’t always get along. Mr. Reise,
upstanding Duck that he is, knows he can’t always depend on a Mouse. So
when he screws up, misses a call as obvious as the five webbed fingers
on my hand, he knows he can blame the Mouse and we’ll all understand.
Attorney: Okay, so we have sales tax, but have you ever heard
the term: Getting shafted? Being
bent over like a pretzel? Are you familiar with that one? How
about Getting Jobbed?
How about getting jobbed like a
newby in maximum security?
Those are all terms people who pay sales tax know. We’re unaware of
those terms. We like to call it: Getting
Ducked. Getting your feathers ruffled in a brand new pond. Getting
poundedy a squawking goose loaded up on Viagra.