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Here-a-Duck, There-a-Duck by Stan Silliman


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Here-a-Duck, There-a-Duck

        Future Scene: Oregon court room where replay review official, Gordon Riese, is on the witness stand in the Oklahoma-Oregon game nullification case.

    Plaintiff’s Attorney: Mr. Reise, on the Captain Hazelwood Scale-of-In-Competency with 1) being mildly incompetent to 10) piloting your jumbo jet upside down while drowsy drunk, how would you rate your performance?
    Reise: Did you say IN-competency? It was windy, I was hurried, fans were screaming and ABC was slow to feed me.

    Plaintiff’s Attorney:  Mr. Reise, you’re now saying you blew the call because ABC didn’t send you proper feed?
    Reise: Yes sir, it was improper. It was all their fault.
    Plaintiff’s Attorney:   And what kind of feed was ABC to provide you, Mr. Reise, CHICKEN? POTATOES?? What was it, Mr. Reise?

    Defendant’s Attorney: Object. Counsel is badgering the witness.
    Judge: Charlie, you know in these parts, we call that “Beavering the witness.”  

    Plaintiff’s Attorney: Sir, he’s ducking the question.
    Judge: That’s what we do around here. He’s a Duck. I’m a Duck. Everyone’s a Duck…
    Plaintiff’s Attorney: Can you make him answer the question? He clearly screwed up. We all saw it, yet he’s trying to blame ABC.
    Defendant’s Attorney: Everyone around here knows that ABC is owned by Disney.

    Plaintiff’s Attorney: What the…? What in heck does ABC being owned by Disney have to do with anything?
    Judge: Around here, we call ABC the Mouse. You probably wouldn’t understand because back in Oklahoma you have sales tax. We don’t have sales tax here in Oregon so we don’t see things eye to eye.
    Plaintiff’s Attorney: This is ridiculous.
    Judge: Like I said, you have sales tax so certain concepts may be hard for you to comprehend. Up here, Mice and Ducks don’t always get along. Mr. Reise, upstanding Duck that he is, knows he can’t always depend on a Mouse. So when he screws up, misses a call as obvious as the five webbed fingers on my hand, he knows he can blame the Mouse and we’ll all understand.
Here a Duck, There a Duck by Stan Silliman
    Plaintiff’s Attorney: Okay, so we have sales tax, but have you ever heard the term: Getting shafted? Being bent over like a pretzel? Are you familiar with that one? How about Getting Jobbed?  How about getting jobbed like a newby in maximum security?
    Judge: Those are all terms people who pay sales tax know. We’re unaware of those terms. We like to call it: Getting Ducked. Getting your feathers ruffled in a brand new pond. Getting poundedy a squawking goose loaded up on Viagra. 

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