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Duke Golf Sinks Putz by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Duke Golf Sinks Putz

        Andrew Giuliani, the son of America’s Mayor, was kicked off the Duke Golf team. He sued Duke University claiming it could affect his future career as a pro golfer. In this case U.S. District Court Judge Wallace Dixon sided with the University. Dixon didn’t just side with Duke against Master Andrew, he smashed Andrew’s case down the fairway. Master Andrew enjoyed the how-far-in-do-you-want-this-putter treatment.  Andrew may as well bend down and place his head on a tee.

    Some editorials have spun this as the proper comeuppance for what many consider the poster child of spoiled ex-mayoral offspring. We don’t see it that way. Poor Andrew didn’t choose to have rich parents or a daddy who became the savior of 9/11. Everyone remembers cute little out-of-control Andrew drawing attention from Rudy on the podium. Poor Andrew didn’t choose to have a mommy who would offer Duke a million dollar charity donation to re-instate her son on the team. Poor Andrew didn’t choose to be a person who felt entitlement of his every desire. He is a victim of his environment.

    And worst of all poor Andrew didn’t choose to draw a judge who used cute golf lingo to stymie Andrew’s suit. It’s a crying shame how Judge Dixon mocked the sincerity of Master Andrew’s premise. Here are some examples of Judge Dixon’s opinions:
    “(Andrew) Giuliani contends all elements for breach of contract were properly alleged. His analysis, however, slices far off the fairways.”  
    “(Andrew) Giuliani tees up his case by alleging he was a victim of a secret expulsion with no opportunity to defend himself.”

    To this contention Judge Dixon quotes Carl Spackler (played by Bill Murray) from the Caddyshack movie: “Giuliani’s argument that he was a victim of a secret expulsion brings to mind Carl Spackler’s analysis “He’s on the final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit a 2 iron, I think.”
    The Judge uses Caddyshack! That’s how little respect Judge Dixon has for the son of America’s mayor and his high priced lawyers.
Duke Golf Sinks Putz by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    Duke defended their dismissal of Andrew by saying he broke clubs and tossed an apple at a teammate. Here again, poor Andrew is misunderstood. Andrew is the son of a former New York City mayor. He didn’t ask to be the son of a New York City mayor. But here he was with New York City being affectionately known as “The Big Apple.” And everyone should know the sons of Big Apple mayors show their friendship by tossing big apples at people.

    Andrew Giuliani therefore felt entitled to compensation of $ 200,000 for a contract breach based on his agreement to play for the university.

    To this argument Judge Dixon says “Plaintiff attempts to take a mulligan with this argument; however, this shot also lands in the drink.” And as for interference with a contract Dixon writes “Plaintiff also shanks this claim.”

    Giuliani did graduate, never had a scholarship, and had the 12th best scoring average on a thirteen person squad. He did turn pro… because as the son of America’s mayor, he’s entitled to turn pro. Don’t hold that against him. Sometimes it is hard to break out of your circumstances.

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