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Forks vs Smallville by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Forks vs Smallville

    Lex Luther is a fantastic quarterback, maybe the best ever seen in this part of Kansas.  It’s not that he has such a great arm or fast legs, it’s his quick thinking plus the ability to always find the Kent kid when they need a first down or a touchdown.

    Smallville was never a football power, just a sleepy little farm community with the highest crime rate per capita in the U.S.  But the town folk knew when the class with Clark and Lex and Pete Ross grew up they were destined to be world beaters.  They marveled at Lex’s play calling, how he was so tricky and downright evil.  As far as the Kent kid, the word “amazing” was invented for him. He always seems to outleap his defenders… at times like they were tall buildings. And the speed in which he gets to the ball leaves defenders gasping. 

    One small thing Smallville fans note:  opposing teams never convert a field goal. Either Kent jumps up and blocks it or the breeze carries it off course… even when the air is dead still. Smallville fans  laugh when opponents send in their kicking team. Lana Lang and the other cheerleaders even devised a cheer, “You’re trying a field goal on Smallville? Ha!”

    Clear across the country on the left coast another small school – Forks – in the woods of Washington is building a football reputation of its own.  Forks High School couldn’t be beat.  Not by the giant schools in Seattle, not by the urban schools, not by any of the former West Coast power teams. 

    The Fangs were special. It was as if their principle players could smell fear on their opponents and exploited these opportunities.  Forks has a rep for being a blood thirsty bunch. They have running backs appearing to shift shape and squeeze through tiny holes for big yardage.  Edward Cullen, their quarterback, has been an 18-year-old senior for four years yet possesses the wisdom of a 100-year-old man.  When people ask him if he played Pop Warner ball, he replies  “Yes, Pop was a great coach.”

    Jacob Black leads their speedy defensive unit who always seem to be one step ahead of the offense.  It’s as if Jacob can hear their plays.  The other players on the defense all possess animal-like quickness and special teeth guards.  The Forks Fangs are fast becoming one of the fiercest of the fictional football teams.  Games against the Fangs are only competitive when played in the afternoon.
Forks vs Smallville by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    The meeting between the Fangs and Smallville Krypts was inevitable and long awaited.  Smallville drubbed Dodge City, stomped out the gardens in Garden City, trampled Topeka, sacked Salina and whacked Wichita.  Simultaneously, Forks laid waste any west coast team messing with them. The Fangs and the Krypts had to go at it. 

    The Krypts are coached by lovable Jonathan Kent. The Fangs are coached by police chief, Charlie Swan, Bella’s dad.  They negotiate a Friday night face off at Mile High Stadium in Denver, to be televised by ESPN.  The smack talk will be led by Lana Lang and the Kryptettes vs. Bella Swan with her Fang Spirit squad.  Coach Kent studies game films, then decides it might be prudent to line the sidelines with freshly dead  elk.  Coach Swan enlists the help of Alice Cullen to see if she can read Lex Luther’s mind.  Not a great idea because the evilness in Lex’s mind forces Alice to go immediately gnawing on the nearest elk.  Next episode: The  Game.

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