On All-Star weekend the NBA has brought back the game of
H-O-R-S-E. Except, when they play the game they’ll spell out
G-E-I-C-O instead of H-O-R-S-E.
Here’s another word: S-E-L-L-O-U-T
Okay, you’re complaining because SELLOUT is not a five letter word?
Would you be happier if we spelled the game G-R-E-E-D or M-O-N-E-Y?
Either way, the NBA has taken one of our pure, beloved driveway games
and C-O-M-M-E-R-I-A-L-I-Z-E-D it. Oh, I forgot, this is the NBA.
So the insurance giant, immortalized on Television
ads with a talking lizard, disrespected cavemen and a stack of money
with creepy eyes on it, is sponsoring one of the events on NBA All-Star
weekend. I wonder if they even know how the game works. GEICO is going
to get recognition when the players miss a shot and the word GEICO is
spelled out. But do they understand that the goal of the game is to NOT
spell G-E-I-C-O? That by spelling G-E-I-C-O, you are therefore a
L-O-S-E-R. Do they get this? By spelling GEICO you have lost. You’re
out of the game. People will point to you and say “Nah, nah, nah, nah,
you are a GEICO. So there!”
That’s one thing I think Commissioner Stern and GEICO don’t get, that the game of
H-O-R-S-E is as much about trash-talking as it is creating special
shots. I actually doubt Stern ever played the game in his life. If he
had, he would know the special sass you get by calling someone a “H-O”.
“Oh, you missed that easy one. Go back to your street corner, you HO!”
“You know what happens when you miss this
sit-down-facing-backwards-shot? You’ll be a full-fledged HOR. You might
as well go the HOR store and buy your fishnets and your mini-skirt.”
Yes, we are misspelling WHORE. But when do kids who
love to play H-O-R-S-E have time to check out the dictionary? Answer:
never. H-O-R-S-E and dictionaries don’t mix. You very rarely find an
English major on the playgrounds correcting kids for misspelling WHORE.
“Reginald, you KNOW the word, HOR, is really just an abbreviation for horizontal and HORS is French for outside of. If you are going to play this game you must be grammatical.” It doesn’t work that way.
How far will the NBA go in sullying one of our kid
games? Will the GEICO commercialization of H-O-R-S-E lead to more
product placement, maybe even as the game is being played? Will the
announcer sound something like this?
“Kobe bounced the ball from the free throw line into
the basket. Can LeBron make this one? If he doesn’t make it he’ll be a
G-E. By the way, G-E is the electric company that brings good things to
life. Oh, we see he’s gone to the sidelines and took a sip of Gatorade.
When he was a “G” we mentioned Gatorade because Gatorade is changing
their corporate logo to “G”. Gatorade may give him the energy he needs
for this shot. He also put on his NIKE headband. He could have a bit of
sweat and nothing is better than a NIKE to hold down perspiration.
LeBron is readying his shot. Oh, he missed it. He’s a G-E. Did we tell
you that G-E is pioneering efforts in wind-energy technology? There’s a
bit of wind on this court since it is outside. They could a use a wind
technologist to help guide these shots. Kobe is standing outside the