To the
untrained eye, golf is a sport showcasing limited physical movements –
the swing, walk to the next shot, swing again, walk, line-up a putt,
stand over a shot, stroke a putter. If this were all there were to the
game then, yes, as the Dear Wife argues, you wouldn’t burn many
calories.
The untrained eye misses out on the most important
calorie burning aspects of the game – gestures. Yes, those calorie
eating gestures, the ones permeating the game. And not just the Fist Pump! You know the move Tiger
makes when he hits a great shot, fist closed enthusiastically and
swiftly drawn down like you’re ripping off your own face mask to where
you just miss slamming your elbow into your ribs? That’s the fist pump.
And next time someone tries to persuade you golf isn’t aerobic do the
fist pump, first down and then back up at your doubter’s chin. If it
lands properly, they will appreciate the energy involved, even if they
are Jersey Shore idiots.
Another impressive golfing gesture is the Two Hand Victory Dance. Phil
Mickelson demonstrates: Simply raise both arms overhead, not fully, and
then jump four inches off the ground. This gesture tells your opponent
that you beat him without the necessity of completely raising the roof.
How many sports provide you with prop for gesturing?
Golf does… with the club sometimes used as a baton, sometime a pool
cue, other times, as with Chi Chi Rodriguez, a sword. Chi Chi had in his arsenal the
saber, the epee, the holster draw, the air touche’ and the neck lop.
When Rodriguez dropped a long put he danced, he weaved, he became the
Puerto Rican Musketeer.
Still not convinced golfers exert mucho energy
chasing the little white ball? On team golf there’s chest bumps, low
fives, body English dances and the most caloric burner of them all –
the golfer high five. If you
haven’t done it, it’s a riot, a reason if no other to play the game.
Here’s the script:
A) Pretend like you’re doing a
regular high five. Commit to it.
B)
Both you and your partner run at each and MISS hands.
C)
Continue leaning into the five while raising your leg in the air behind
you.
D)
Lean over and grab your partner’s upraised leg by the ankle. He’ll do
the same to you.
E)
Shake
your partner’s leg. He’ll shake yours. Golfer high five! Ta da!
It looks like a yoga move – downward acting plaid.
Be ready for it.
There. Don’t say your eye is no longer trained. The
next time you watch a
match, keep an eye out for the gestures, and then shock your spouse
when you give a name to the moves they’re doing. Thank me at one of my
book signings.
