Michael Vick and the Red River rivalry, do you know what these two things have in common?  Answer: the name Henry Hudson. Weird, isn’t it?

              Twice this week the name, Henry Hudson, made the sports news. For one, Henry Hudson is the name of the judge in Michael Vick’s dog-fighting case and secondly, Henry Hudson is the name of an Oklahoma City bar where a University of Texas fan had his scrotum ripped off.

            We find it unusual that both the judge and the bar were named after an old English explorer. For those who forgot their American history, Mr. Hudson was the British explorer from the 1600s who discovered the Hudson Bay and the Hudson River and, coincidently, the first European to discover Catskill Oysters or as they were known in the mountain range to the west, Pocono Plums. For those of you un-familiar with this delicacy, as I’m sure many of my vegan readers are, this treat is the difference between a bull and a steer.

            Judge Henry Hudson is known as a fair but stern judge. If you’re found guilty in his court expect the whole shelf, not just one book thrown at you. That’s the gist of our cartoon. Judge Hudson is slamming Michael Vick in his you-knows. However, many of you will protest about the second part of the picture, Vick wearing a Longhorn shirt. We agree, because even though Vick was stupid enough to jeopardize a $ 100 million dollar contract by fighting dogs, he’s not dumb enough to walk into an Oklahoma City bar wearing a LONGHORN jersey! Vick may be stupid but he’s not an idiot. 

            Here’s what went down at Henry Hudson’s and the aftermath. Brian Thomas goes into Hudson’s with his Longhorn shirt and a 53 year-old guy named Allen Michael Beckett yells at Thomas and the confrontation escalates to a point where Beckett grabs Brian’s scrotum. Grabs it and won’t let go even though Beckett is being hit by several patrons. He won’t let go until you hear a ripping and a river of blood running down the leg. We don’t want to say “Red River rivalry,” even though it might be appropriate at this point, because we’re above that. But that’s what everybody is thinking, right? We can’t know what was going on in Beckett’s drunken head but you could surmise since Bevo is a steer (see our definition above), Beckett thought Thomas wished to emulate the mascot. Like if Bevo didn’t mind being emasculated, why should Brian?  Of course that’s stupid. Stupidity prevails in this event. If you read about it and thought Beckett was a tatted-up, methed-up, wild-eyed, trailer-trash named Earl and a crazy Sooner fan, you would be wrong. Allen Michael Beckett is a regular dad, clean shaven with three kids. He may not even be a Sooner fan, as he was an OSU grad who favors the Cowboys whenever they play the Sooners.

            Here’s the kicker (note our cartoon, again), Beckett, if convicted, will likely spend more jail time than Vick. Both deserve time and if Thomas is suing Beckett for medicals and damages it may cost Beckett’s kids their college educations. For one, it took sixty stitches to get Brian’s parts back in place. Sixty stitches in a sensitive area can amount to whole bunch of damages. Like psychological fees for one, and more than likely, years of professional escort service fees. We say professional escort services because 1) when the scrotum takes sixty stitches the likelihood is he’ll have to pay for sex and 2) when he goes out in public wearing his Longhorn gear he’ll need someone to protect him.