Michael Vick and the
Red River rivalry, do you know what these two things have in
common? Answer: the name Henry Hudson. Weird, isn’t it?
this week the name, Henry Hudson, made the sports news. For one, Henry
Hudson is the name of the judge in Michael Vick’s dog-fighting case and
secondly, Henry Hudson is the name of an Oklahoma City bar where a
University of Texas fan had his scrotum ripped off.
We find it
unusual that both the judge and the bar were named after an old English
explorer. For those who forgot their American history, Mr. Hudson was
the British explorer from the 1600s who discovered the Hudson Bay and
the Hudson River and, coincidently, the first European to discover
Catskill Oysters or as they were known in the mountain range to the
west, Pocono Plums. For those of you un-familiar with this delicacy, as
I’m sure many of my vegan readers are, this treat is the difference
between a bull and a steer.
Hudson is known as a fair but stern judge. If you’re found guilty in
his court expect the whole shelf, not just one book thrown at you.
That’s the gist of our cartoon. Judge Hudson is slamming Michael Vick
in his you-knows. However, many of you will protest about the second
part of the picture, Vick wearing a Longhorn shirt. We agree, because
even though Vick was stupid enough to jeopardize a $ 100 million dollar
contract by fighting dogs, he’s not dumb enough to walk into an
Oklahoma City bar wearing a LONGHORN jersey! Vick may be stupid but
he’s not an idiot.
went down at Henry Hudson’s and the aftermath. Brian Thomas goes into
Hudson’s with his Longhorn shirt and a 53 year-old guy named Allen
Michael Beckett yells at Thomas and the confrontation escalates to a
point where Beckett grabs Brian’s scrotum. Grabs it and won’t let go
even though Beckett is being hit by several patrons. He won’t let go
until you hear a ripping and a river of blood running down the leg. We
don’t want to say “Red River rivalry,” even though it might be
appropriate at this point, because we’re above that. But that’s what
everybody is thinking, right? We can’t know what was going on in
Beckett’s drunken head but you could surmise since Bevo is a steer (see
our definition above), Beckett thought Thomas wished to emulate the
mascot. Like if Bevo didn’t mind being emasculated, why should
Brian? Of course that’s stupid. Stupidity prevails in this event.
If you read about it and thought Beckett was a tatted-up, methed-up,
wild-eyed, trailer-trash named Earl and a crazy Sooner fan, you would
be wrong. Allen Michael Beckett is a regular dad, clean shaven with
three kids. He may not even be a Sooner fan, as he was an OSU grad who
favors the Cowboys whenever they play the Sooners.
kicker (note our cartoon, again), Beckett, if convicted, will likely
spend more jail time than Vick. Both deserve time and if Thomas is
suing Beckett for medicals and damages it may cost Beckett’s kids their
college educations. For one, it took sixty stitches to get Brian’s
parts back in place. Sixty stitches in a sensitive area can amount to
whole bunch of damages. Like psychological fees for one, and more than
likely, years of professional escort service fees. We say professional
escort services because 1) when the scrotum takes sixty stitches the
likelihood is he’ll have to pay for sex and 2) when he goes out in
public wearing his Longhorn gear he’ll need someone to protect