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Iron Mike Tyson Says East Your F___ing Veggies! by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Iron Mike Tyson Says Eat Your F___ing Veggies!

"Welcome to 'Iron Mike's'. We got veggie soup, brussel sprouts, gluten-and-dairy free cheese cake. Don't ask for no Tyson's chicken."

OK, all right, thanks Mike. I'll sit down and eat. I won't even use my leather wallet. When you're not looking, I'll go to the restroom and sneak out my credit card. Please don't eat my children! 

Oh, wait. I have no worries because you're a vegan. Children and hearts are off your diet. Ears, too, I understand. But what if Marv Albert walked in?
"I'm a changed man. The only ears I chomp are corn."

And you're teaming up with Moshe Malamud, chairman of the Franklin Mint, to open a chain of high-end Kosher/Vegan restaurants?

"I'm a changed man. New wife, new life, less strife."

You claim in an article with DETAILS you've lost 130 pounds on an eight month vegan diet and that 'meat's become a poison to you'. You also claim to have more energy, to be drug free, and that Ali was the biggest smack talker of all time.

And you won't even eat a candy bar?

"Not even a Baby Ruth. And they were the best."

OK, all right, thanks Mike. (I'm taking my Baby Ruth and hiding it in my coat pocket. No way I want Mike to think I'm tempting him)

But how about this deal with Malamud?

A Jew and a Muslim working together on a Kosher restaurant? Phillie and New York co-habitating? Cue up Rocky: "Only in America." Maybe there's hope for us yet.

So if you go "Rocky" will Mr. T be part of the deal? "I pity to-fu that don't eat tofu."

So, how about it? Do you want Silliman on Sports to come up with a name for your franchise? Before you go Chairman Mao face tattoo all about my face, hear me out. It's not my first Rodeo...Frank (soy-turkey, of course... and kosher). We've named other enterprises.

How about if we just suggest a few menu items? If you like that we can name your place, OK?

Mike's Mock Meatloaf. Better than a punch in the gut.

Pananche of Feux-Veal Sweetbreads. Better than a sweet punch in the breadbasket.

Braised Toducky Pappandelle. Yo wanna box for that?

Cus D'Amato's Italian Eggplant Sandwich. Yo gotta problem wit that?

Moshe's Kosher Avocado Reuben. Be a mensch, munch a Reuben.

Corn Nibble-it Pudding. Made with the best ears.
Iron Mike Tyson Says East Your F___ing Veggies! by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles

Chris McGrath/Getty Images 

Lime and Leek Borsch. Try it, you'll like it.

I'm sure you're excited about those menu items. You'll be just as giddy about our restaurant names.

Tyson's No-Chicken. Double meaning, get it? OK, check next.

Vega-Nosh. Says it all and you can weave the letters into a face tattoo logo. 

Schlemichious!  Makes a kosher-vegan mouth water, right? OK, check next.

Veganimike's. Pronounced ve-gan-i-mike's and it sounds like banana and I'll expect a bunch of delicious banana and plantain dishes. Yummy? Good?

Better than a punch in the gut? OK, I'll leave now.

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