on Sports
Jose It Ain't So


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
    Go to Jose Canseco’s website and you can buy autographed memorabilia. The $ 60 baseball saying  ‘88 MVP comes with a hypodermic needle stuck in the side.  Of course we all knew the baseball was “juiced,” not just Canseco.

    Close observers knew Canseco was on steroids when a fly ball bounced off his head and over the fence. The hint being the ball departed the noggin with more velocity than it hit him with. It takes a juiced skull for that type of activity. Exactly at that point Canseco got the brilliant idea he should be dating Madonna. That is what usually happens to men when we get hit in the head with a fly ball - the nearest hospital… or Madonna, always a tough choice.  

    Canseco was the only ballplayer to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in the same season. Quite the accomplishment, yet he admits he was only a major league player because of steroids. Without the juice he was minor league player and part time waiter. Canseco was willing to be the guinea pig on mixing anabolics and human growth hormones and experimented to such a degree he became known throughout the league as “The Chemist.” Someone should have told him about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and reiterated that Mr. Hyde never exceeded 30 home runs.

Jose it ain't so

    The crux of Jose’s book - Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids – steroids are good and Jose Canseco is responsible for saving a dying game. Jose goes on to say that without the Bash Brothers, the long ball races and the home run derbys, baseball was losing fans. The sad news, he’s right. He informed trainers of what to prescribe and named a bunch of players he tutored. Dr. Jekyll telling others how they become Mr. Hyde.  Or maybe that’s take it in the “hide” as in going into a bathroom stall and injecting Mark McGwire in the buttock with steroids, as Jose claimed to do to Mark. Female book reviewing doubters are already invading men’s restrooms with their measuring tapes to see if a full five-hundred pounds of ballplayers will both fit in a stall, calculating for the pants down factor. Of course, we all know the true purpose of this investigation… to see if men are getting bigger stalls than the women.  A little issue like this could be just the thing to revive the ERA amendment, pump it back into full fluster.

    I’m sure it wasn’t Jose Canseco’s intention – enlarging the stalls in the women’s restrooms – he was probably seeking accolades for saving America’s pastime. However actions sometimes have unintended consequences, hence the No ExcusesJeans industry (Donna Rice, Monica Lewinsky and other paramours) wouldn’t thrive as it does. Women, enjoying the new luxurious surroundings of their public restroom stall (even though their short arms won’t be quite able to reach the toilet paper) will have Jose Canseco to thank.

    I think that might be a good place for him to advertise his book – on the backs of the doors of women’s public restroom stalls.  Ladies can be looking at Jose’s ‘roid enhanced face realizing he’s the one responsible for all their newly acquired roominess. Even homeless women will now have room to pitch a cot, set up a small camper – something homeless men have been doing for years.

    Jose, you may have lured fans back in the park. You may have ruined the game of baseball but you’ve opened our eyes and… you’ve brought equal rights into the lavatory. If for nothing else you should be enshrined… in porcelain, I’m thinking.     

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