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Does God hate Kansas by Stan Silliman






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By Stan Silliman
       
Does God Hate Kansas?
     
       

      The Kansas Jayhawks basketball team, ranked number one by Sports Illustrated, loses their first game of the year in Allen Field House to little Oral Roberts University, 78-71.

      We know God loves Oral Roberts University, because Oral, himself, told us so. And we know Kansas, with five future NBA players on the floor at the same time, is one of the greatest college teams ever assembled… because Kansas fans have told us so. We also know the slogan for the Golden Eagles of Oral Roberts team is “Expect a Miracle” because we’ve seen it written on their Mabee Arena floor. We also know Kansas was beaten by a player - Marchello Vealy, who hit his first seven three-point shots in a row – who last year failed on 12 of his 13 three point shots… for the whole year. So then you have to conclude draining seven straight threes by such an inaccurate shooter was MIRACULOUS… like someone from above was guiding in the shots. If so, God had it in for Kansas. The big question is… why?

    What did Kansas University do in the sporting world or otherwise to incur God’s wrath?
Was God trying to smite the Topeka uber-ugly preacher Fred Phelps for his many inane and hateful protests at the funerals of our soldiers from Iraq? If so, God was off by 26 miles. We’re not sure how far off that might be in smite distance or how great the Big Guy’s eyesight is nowadays but perhaps Fred Phelps wasn’t the target.  Perhaps the target was the “Big House,” the Leavenworth federal prison where so many famous federal prisoners were and are still held. Perhaps God was aiming not at the prison itself but at the Peckerwood Cemetery next to the prison … because God hates cemeteries named “Peckerwood.” But if God were aiming at Leavenworth, He’d still be off by 30 miles.

    God certainly wasn’t aiming at football coach Mark Mangino, (perhaps for eating one of his players) because even at very dubious smite accuracy no one can miss Mark Mangino.  

    Here’s a consideration: maybe God was upset because the Kansas coach, Bill Self, had once coached at Oral Roberts and then left for the greener cross town pastures of Tulsa University. And here was a chance at a little nose tweaking for dropping ORU.
Does God Hate Kansas by Stan Silliman
    Maybe God was upset because Tammy Faye Bakker, after being involved in an embarrassing religious scandal, remarries a church contractor, moves to Kansas and then the contractor she marries becomes involved in another religious-based tax evasion scandal. I could see this. A lightning bolt heads Tammy Faye’s way but is deflected by her make-up base and travels north to Lawrence. That might be it.   

    Perhaps Oral Roberts’ victory over the Jayhawks was just God’s way of indicating his preference of Golden Eagles over Jaybirds. The Jayhawks are like the squawking exhibitionists of birdland and God became tired of their screeching and their prancing around naked. And besides, a Golden Eagle… is a Golden Eagle.

    Perhaps and once-and-for-all the Big Guy tired of Bill Self’s hairpiece and wanted to send a signal Self’s way: lose the rug or underachieve. Maybe God likes the tops of his basketball coaches natural. Could that be it? Naaaah… too preposterous.

     
    
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