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Linda McMahon: If Silliman Ran Her Senatorial Campaign by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Linda McMahon: If Silliman Ran Her Senatorial Campaign

If I ran Linda McMahon's race for Connecticut Senator, things would be different.
First off, I doubt she'd hire a Democrat to run her campaign, even though I consider her a Rino. But, saying she had a change of heart, we'll go drastic on the changes. Here are a few:  

1. Pound Home the Self-Financed, Beholden to No One Angle

You're spending $50 million of your own money, earned by being a smart business person! You're not taking donations. You owe no one any favors. Ride with that!

Instead, you're low-keying your wealth. You're making it seem like you are ashamed of how you acquired all your bucks. You've been slow to mention the WWE. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think your advisers have told you it's un-senator like to oversee a man's soap opera where steroid-buffed actors perform in Speedos.  

2. Embrace the Businesswoman You Are As a Plus 

You can't go around calling former Connecticut Attorney General Dick Blumenthal a liar, discrediting his Vietnam war service record and then pull your own YouTube videos off the net. Sure, the videos showed you cussing and screaming and acting like an ass, but that was the source of your millions. If you're to scream "liar" you've got to expose everything, no matter how un-Senator-like it is, warts and all.

You need to lay it all out and not only embrace the source of your capital with pride, the WWE, but the old WWF as well. If you want to slam a folding chair into the former Attorney General, you need to show you can. Even if you look like a bully, invoke the old Linda. 

3. Stay Away From Discusssions About the Poor

Can it with talking about minimum wage. This is not your area. You're a rich lady who worked hard and you employ contractors. You don't pay workers comp, health care, and all the niceties small business people must contend with, and be proud you don't. You're beating the system. You're the Wal-Mart of the violent skimpy clothed entertainment industry. Don't run from that.

4. Use the WWE Guys and Gals in Your Campaign

Did it hurt Jesse Ventura? No! Splash these guys all over the screen, leotards and all. John Cena? Everyone likes looking at John Cena—women, gay guys, straight guys. Just have him smile at the camera and say a few nice things about you.

Triple H, Rey Mysterio, the Undertaker—how do you use these guys? Simple. On the recorded messages sent to the voters, let these guys do it. Short scripts, gruff wrestler voices, always end with the same eight words: "Vote for Linda. We know where you live!"

Now for the piece de resistance, Stacy Keibler's ass. Use it! Embrace it! You want to win this campaign, use what brought ya. Every guy in Hartford will look at a billboard saying "Vote for Linda McMahon" with Stacy Keibler pointing to the words with her ass, front and center.

Here's a plan: Bus voters to the polls. Bus 'em to early voting. Use part of your $50 million budget for buses, driven by the divas. Well, not so much driven as occupied. Rosa Mendes can talk about your military plans in her special camouflage bikini. What voter wouldn't want to be on that bus?

Michelle McCool can waltz up and down the aisle in the Cool bus. Make that the Cool "Vote for Linda" bus. Michelle can address women's issues and how you're pro-choice and whatever.

 5. Make Blumenthal Look Petty For Attacking Your Enterprise

When he says that WWE doll toys are made overseas, don't bite. Sure, you buy your dolls from Mattel, who then make them wherever they please. But don't say that. Blumenthal is trying to say you're shipping jobs overseas.

Don't bite. Just tell him Americans have better things to do than make plastic dolls. You're supporting Mattel, which employs lots of Americans and lots of retailers who sell your stuff. And, most of all, keep saying this: "It's Un-American to tell Americans who and where they should buy from." Remember, you're the Wal-Mart of the violent skimpy-clothed entertainment industry.
Linda McMahon: If Silliman Ran Her Senatorial Campaign by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles

6. In a Debate, Hit Blumenthal Where He Lives

He's going to come at you for your enterprise. He's going to say you're gauche and unworthy of office. Dish it right back. Call him a CAREER POLITICIAN and a LAWYER! Not just any lawyer but a sue-happy one. Just say he's sue-happy and even sues football conferences.

Pound it home. He's for inserting politics into SPORTS. Tell the voters, you're gung-ho for SPORTS, and he wants to politicize them.

Then say, "If you want to keep politicians away from SPORTS, vote for a Sportswoman, the Wal-Mart of the violent skimpy-clothed entertainment industry.

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