on Sports
Mad Scientist Gets  $12.7 Million Contract by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Mad Scientist Gets $12.7 Million Contract

        New contract just signed by the “Mad Scientist.” By “Mad Scientist” we mean innovative offensive Texas Tech head coach, Mike Leach. By “12.7 million dollars” we mean over five years.
    You know, somewhere, Dr. Frankenstein is reading this headline and spinning in his grave.
     Stephen Hawkings is reading this headline while pressing his voice actuator: “Where… is… his… Nobel… Prize?”
    The contract terms were reached last Thursday after weeks of haggling. The haggling started when Tech athletic director Gerald Myers tried to insert a $ 1.5 million dollar buyout which was a sticking point to Leach. Myers insisted on the buyout clause because Leach had interviewed for the Washington Husky job without notifying Myers. Leach threatened to walk if the buyout was included. And by walk we, of course, mean “the plank” since Leach is so fond of pirates. And by “fond” we mean “ape nuts” over pirates. And by “ape nuts” we mean “crazy enough to be the subject of a controversial cartoon.”

    Anyway, we’re pretty sure Gerald Myers didn’t fully understand the pirate he was negotiating with. Leach was not only a mad scientist pirate expert, he was an educated pirate expert with a law degree from Pepperdine and a masters in Sports Science from the United States Sports Academy (yes, the prestigious USSA). Leach walked into Myers office and stole all his doubloons. If Myers had ventured into Leach’s office he would have noticed all the pirate swag: the flags, statues, muskets and the parrots. Myers would have understood why Leach insisted the Red Raiders be renamed “The Landlubbers.” He would have figured out why Leach wanted to add the skull and crossbones to the Red Raiders flag and why he wanted to put little eye patches on all the prairie dogs at Lubbock’s “Prairie Dog City”. If Gerald Myers had any appreciation for re-incarnation, he would have associated the name, Mike Leach, with the name, Edward Teach, who was “Blackbeard the Pirate.”  If Gerald Myers had a brain in his head he would have figured out why Leach interviewed in Seattle at Washington U. Duhhh? Washington is next to the water near the sea! And pirate loving Leach is in land locked Lubbock! Double duhhh!

    From all indications Leach enjoys his spot in Lubbock. He’s a quirky celebrity. You’ll find him on local television doing the weather, giving dating advice, pressing flesh at local hot spots. Would he actually leave if a better situation came along? We guess it depends on the situation. Luckily, for Myers and the Red Raiders, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers haven’t been calling.  That’s the pro team with its own pirate ship in the stadium… and the ship has real cannons. It’s in Tampa Bay, on the SEA, in a town… where they love PIRATES.  It’s a pro team, so they could probably pay Leach double his $ 2.2 million dollar salary… and did we mention,  they love pirates!

Mad Scientist Gets  $12.7 Million Contract by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles

    So someday it might come down to a yo-ho-ho friendly team courting Leach. Will Lubbock prove worthy? Have they shown enough pirate love? We checked but haven’t found it. Did Mac Davis ever sing a song titled “It’s Hard to be Humble When You’re a Pirate”? Not that we can find. Has anyone ever considered changing the movie “The Fog” where dead pirates come ashore from an eerie fog to “The Sandstorm”? Not that we can find. Did Buddy Holly ever sing a song called “Arrrrgy Sue”? Not that we can find. In fact, if Lubbock ever does anything besides have a few Long John Silvers to show they are a pirate-loving, pirate-worthy city, well… That’ll be the Day.

Silliman On Sports
2405 Wilcox Drive
Norman, OK  73069

Phone #: 405-360-4800
Comments or Suggestions: Email