New contract just signed by the “Mad Scientist.” By “Mad Scientist” we
mean innovative offensive Texas Tech head coach, Mike Leach. By “12.7
million dollars” we mean over five years.
You know, somewhere, Dr. Frankenstein is reading this headline and spinning in his grave.
Stephen Hawkings is reading this headline
while pressing his voice actuator: “Where… is… his… Nobel… Prize?”
The contract terms were reached last Thursday after
weeks of haggling. The haggling started when Tech athletic director
Gerald Myers tried to insert a $ 1.5 million dollar buyout which was a
sticking point to Leach. Myers insisted on the buyout clause because
Leach had interviewed for the Washington Husky job without notifying
Myers. Leach threatened to walk if the buyout was included. And by walk
we, of course, mean “the plank” since Leach is so fond of pirates. And
by “fond” we mean “ape nuts” over pirates. And by “ape nuts” we mean
“crazy enough to be the subject of a controversial cartoon.”
Anyway, we’re pretty sure Gerald Myers didn’t fully
understand the pirate he was negotiating with. Leach was not only a mad
scientist pirate expert, he was an educated pirate expert with a law
degree from Pepperdine and a masters in Sports Science from the United
States Sports Academy (yes, the prestigious USSA). Leach walked into
Myers office and stole all his doubloons. If Myers had ventured into
Leach’s office he would have noticed all the pirate swag: the flags,
statues, muskets and the parrots. Myers would have understood why Leach
insisted the Red Raiders be renamed “The Landlubbers.” He would have
figured out why Leach wanted to add the skull and crossbones to the Red
Raiders flag and why he wanted to put little eye patches on all the
prairie dogs at Lubbock’s “Prairie Dog City”. If Gerald Myers had any
appreciation for re-incarnation, he would have associated the name,
Mike Leach, with the name, Edward Teach, who was “Blackbeard the
Pirate.” If Gerald Myers had a brain in his head he would have
figured out why Leach interviewed in Seattle at Washington U. Duhhh?
Washington is next to the water near the sea! And pirate loving Leach
is in land locked Lubbock! Double duhhh!
From all indications Leach enjoys his spot in
Lubbock. He’s a quirky celebrity. You’ll find him on local television
doing the weather, giving dating advice, pressing flesh at local hot
spots. Would he actually leave if a better situation came along? We
guess it depends on the situation. Luckily, for Myers and the Red
Raiders, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers haven’t been calling. That’s
the pro team with its own pirate ship in the stadium… and the ship has
real cannons. It’s in Tampa Bay, on the SEA, in a town… where they love
PIRATES. It’s a pro team, so they could probably pay Leach double
his $ 2.2 million dollar salary… and did we mention, they love
So someday it might come down to a yo-ho-ho friendly team courting
Leach. Will Lubbock prove worthy? Have they shown enough pirate love?
We checked but haven’t found it. Did Mac Davis ever sing a song titled
“It’s Hard to be Humble When You’re a Pirate”? Not that we can find.
Has anyone ever considered changing the movie “The Fog” where dead
pirates come ashore from an eerie fog to “The Sandstorm”? Not that we
can find. Did Buddy Holly ever sing a song called “Arrrrgy Sue”? Not
that we can find. In fact, if Lubbock ever does anything besides have a
few Long John Silvers to show they are a pirate-loving, pirate-worthy
city, well… That’ll be the Day.