By Stan Silliman
Master's To Chris “Boomer” Berman:
Stay Away, Stay Far Away
ESPN will be involved in televising the Masters Golf Tourney for the first two days but specifically not to be there is Chris Berman, ESPN's most prominent announcer.
Repeating: The top announcer for ESPN, their highest paid personality, the guy who is the on-course host of ESPN’s U.S. Open coverage, the guy with the big booming voice, will not make a peep in the Masters.
That's because CBS is handling the show. But even though ESPN is there they made sure Berman was not.
Am I the only guy bummed by this? APPARENTLY! The Green Coats indicated they’d prefer less joviality in the booth. Plus, folks at Augusta let it be known they weren’t too sweet on Berman’s schtick. We guess they’re worried Berman might mess with their tradition. And this time we can’t cue in Fiddler on the Roof music because it’s the Masters. It ain’t that kind of tradition.
Come on, folks. Tradition is boring. Tradition is the expected. Beautiful golf course, fantastic flora and fauna, impossible tickets, and we all know what we happen. Tiger won't win. A few guys will make runs at him yet Tiger will act like he'll win but won't.
Then a southern gentleman with a mouth permanently puckered from too many mint juleps and old enough to have shaken his fist at General Sherman will shuffle out with another Green jacket already. And I'll be disappointed Berman wasn't there to liven up the event.
In case you don’t know, tradition, to the Green Jackets means running their club and their tournament their way. No women playing golf on their course. No older players invited to the Masters. Don’t want to slow things down.
No violence or frivolity on their TV ads. That’s right, the silly beer ads you might find accompanying other sporting events are no where to be found during the Masters. The Green Jackets just won’t hear of it.
I want a little Berman with my Masters. I’d like to stay awake for once and not be lulled by the sappy music. So what if we hear, “Retief Goosen Steps on the Course” and the like?
Can’t you handle “Jonathan Byrd-ies in a birdie” or “Stephen Ames to Please With a Par” or “Toru Taniguchi if that’s your bag” or even “Shingo Katayama…and then he let it go”?
If Chris says Yuta Know Ikeda, you know he's just kidding, just ask Jin and Tonic Jeong.
Are the Green Jackets worried their tourney will come off a little less haughty? Is that why they picked CBS over ESPN? Are they afraid their southern gentlemaness might be upstaged by a Yankee wise-cracker?
Well, let up on the pedal, Green Jackets. Loosen up a bit. Let Retief Goosen show you how to loosen.
Think it will break your bank? Not so, just ask Scott Verplank.
Trying to be a stickler? Listen to Steve Stricker. He’ll tell you to let Boomer in. You need to be like that neighborhood bar…or so says Stuart Appleby.
You think things will go badly? Nah, no worries, says Aaron Baddeley. Let your guard down. Trust your neighbors…just like J.B. Holmes.
Let go of your anger…just ask Bernard Langer. Berman is a plus, not a minus.
Don’t try to apply fuzzy math, Mr. Zoeller will tell you.
Boomer deserves a yea, not a Boo. Even Boo Weekley says your stance is weak, every week. You know who might even protest with a song? You do, don’t you, and his initials are V.J.
If all these guys don’t mind Chris Berman manning the mike, why should you? How can we convince you, asks Ernie. What Els can we do? Don’t you want to hear K.J. Choi To the World for par? Or that Stewart Cink’s a putt?
We take it you DON’T. Guess you plan to let Ol’ Boomer be stuck in his Sandy Lyle. Well, Mark it down, you can Calcaveccia what we will say, you shriveled Green Jacket, you.
And you don’t have to catch your reflection or break your O'Meara to understand this. We’ve Ben Curtis to you up to now. But here we’re going to say it. BOOOOO!
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