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Masters To Boomer Berman: Stay Awayyyyy  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Masters To Boomer Berman: Stay Awayyyyy

    ESPN will be involved in televising the Masters Golf Tourney but Chris Berman, their most prominent announcer, will not. Repeating: The top announcer for ESPN, their highest paid personality, the guy who is the on-course host of ESPN’s U.S. Open coverage, the guy with the big booming voice, will not make a peep in the Masters.

    Am I the only guy bummed by this? APPARENTLY! Because ESPN has been flooded by emails when the word came out their team was to be at Augusta. Emails indicating they’d prefer less joviality in the booth. Plus folks at Augusta let it be known they weren’t too sweet on Berman’s shtick. We guess they’re worried Berman might mess with their tradition. And this time we can’t cue in Fiddler on the Roof music because it’s the Masters. It ain’t that kind of tradition.
    Come on, folks. Tradition is boring. Tradition is the expected. Beautiful golf course, fantastic flora and fauna, impossible tickets, and we all know what we happen. Tiger will win. A few guys will make runs at him yet Tiger will still win. Then a southern gentleman with a mouth permanently puckered from too many mint juleps and old enough to have shaken his fist at General Sherman will shuffle out with another Green jacket already tailored to Tiger’s 42 Long, athletic fit.
    In case you don’t know, tradition, to the Green Jackets means running their club and their tournament their way. No women playing golf on their course. No older players invited to the Masters. Don’t want to slow things down. No violence or frivolity on their TV ads. That’s right, the silly beer ads you might find accompanying other sporting events are no where to be found during the Masters. The Green Jackets just won’t hear of it.

I want a little Berman with my Masters. I’d like to stay awake for once and not be lulled by the sappy music. So what if we hear “Retief Goosen Steps on the Course” and the like?
Can’t you handle “Jonathan Byrd-ies in a birdie” or “Stephen Ames to Please With a Par” or “Toru Taniguchi if that’s your bag” or even “Shingo Katayama … and then he let it go”?
Masters To Boomer Berman: Stay Awayyyyy  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    Are the Green Jackets worried their tourney will come off a little less haughty? Are they afraid their southern gentlemaness might be upstaged by a Yankee wise-cracker? Well, let up on the pedal, Green Jackets. Loosen up a bit. Let Retief Goosen show you how to loosen. Think it will break your bank? Not so, just ask Scott Verplank. Trying to be a stickler? Listen to Scott Stricker. He’ll tell you to let Boomer in. You need to be like that neighborhood bar… or so says Stuart Appleby. You think things will go badly? Nah, no worries, says Aaron Baddeley. Let your guard down. Trust your neighbors… just like J.B. Holmes.  Let go of your anger… just ask Bernard Langer. Berman is a plus, not a minus. Don’t try to apply fuzzy math, Mr. Zoeller will tell you. Boomer deserves a yea, not a Boo. Even Boo Weekley says your stance is weak, every week. You know who might even protest with a song? You do, don’t you, and his initials are V.J. 
If all these guys don’t mind Chris Berman manning the mike, why should you? How can we convince you, asks Ernie. What Els can we do? Don’t you want to hear K.J. Choi To the World for par?  Or that Stewart Cink’s a putt? We take it you DON’T. Guess you plan to let Ol’ Boomer be stuck in his Sandy Lyle. Well, Mark it down, you can Calcaveccia what we will say, you shriveled Green Jacket, you. And you don’t have to catch your reflection or break your to understand this. We’ve O’MearaBen Curtis to you up to now. But here we’re going to say it. BOOOOO!

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