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Other Cafes Who'll Fire Employees For Letting Peterson Use The Restroom  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Other Cafes Who'll Fire Employees For Letting Peterson Use The Restroom

    A McDonald's employee was canned for letting Adrian Peterson use their can.

    You heard that story, right? A female drive-thru employee was on her late-night McDonald's shift at 3 a.m. when a man stood outside her window asking to use the restroom. The inside cafe area was closed but she recognized the guy, Adrian Peterson, and decided to let him in.

    When management found out, they fired her. The mother of three was out because she let Adrian Peterson in. Here's the way we see it. The lady had a decision to make: Does she hold to company policy or, feeling that she can trust the person, let him in? By most accounts, Peterson is not known to trash up a place and has a good reputation, so she may have felt safe.

    From corporate viewpoint, McDonald's has thousands of stores and more employees than live in your average city, plus they've had many robberies and shoot-ups, so their policies are for safety and the greater good. Perhaps McDonald's will add a "Peterson clause" to their employee manual which states "If the most visible athlete in your community needs to use the john, allow him in." Of course they'll have to make a Brett Favre exception, a Tiger Woods exception, a Roger Clemens exception, etc, etc, etc.

    The good news is the media came to the employee's rescue and shamed McDonald's into rehiring the lady. So far, no jokes. What are we doing here? We have to ask how common is this policy. What other franchise restaurants will also turn down Adrian Peterson from using their restroom?

    Why should McDonald's have all the bad publicity? Silliman on Sports will do what we can to spread some of this ill will around. Here are some other restaurants that would have denied Adrian Peterson restroom access:

    You want a really, really tasty cheese steak west of the Mississippi? Try Texadelphia. Their sandwiches and cheese steaks are delicious. And some have very unique Tex-Mex flavors. Find these restaurants throughout Texas and Oklahoma. The very first one was close to the University of Texas campus in Austin.

    Someday, Adrian Peterson may find himself after hours outside of a Texadelphia, needing to use the restroom. Peterson is well known in the Texas-Oklahoma part of the world; they'll recognize him as he's knocking on the door. His bladder is about to burst. Will they open their doors? Adrian is running in place at the pace of a 9.4 40-yard dash. Will they kindly let him in? We think maybe not.

    The guys who own Texadelphia are big University of Texas fans. Big, big supporters and donors. So big, they may have a specific "Don't let Adrian Peterson use our restroom after hours" policy. It's just a suspicion, but could very well be true.

    Have you ever heard of Starbucks? Someone asked me how much was Starbucks decaf coffee when I was Adrian Peterson's age. Here's the answer: I don't know. I'm trying to remember but I don't think Starbucks existed when I was the age AP is now. It's possible the guy who founded Starbucks wasn't even born then. It's possible they hadn't even created decaf coffee. Everything was Sanka.

    Anyway, would a barrista get fired if he or she permitted Adrian Peterson to use the restroom after they were closed? I say yes because they're greedy on their swizzle sticks. If a firm shorts you on the swizzle, they'll have a no-letting-big-muscular-dudes-use-the-restroom policy.

    This next one is a little different. No one will be fired for letting Adrian Peterson use the Golden Corral bathroom after hours...because no one will ever see or hear Adrian Peterson banging on the Golden Corral door after hours.

    Do I need explain? Yes, I think I do. Have you heard of Golden Corral? Biggest steak and fixins buffet on earth. Well, maybe not in terms of total food on the floor; possibly a few Vegas casinos have it beat there. But in terms of total weight of consumers gathered at one feeding trough, this takes the...there's a reason it's called a corral.

    What I'm saying is the biggest humans to occupy space on this planet gather at one spot. Put another way: the collected gross tonnage on the floor of a Golden Corral is enough to make a stevedoring crew jealous. These people are so huge, Adrian Peterson seems tiny, insignificant, beneath notice.

    That's why they won't see him pounding on the door. They're not used to 220-lb running backs trying to get in there. If you're not an offensive lineman or a sumo wrestler or larger, you will not be noticed.

    Do you doubt? I speak from experience. I tried the place and I'm only ten pounds lighter than Peterson. In this world I was a bug on the rear of a St. Bernard. My car was the only vehicle in the lot without heavy duty springs. Some gave me looks because I could see over my plate. Like I was the strange one? I was the guy using only one chair. There is a reason they call it Corral.

    I know you're saying "Silliman, you jabbed McDonald's. Why don't you also slam Wendy's?"

Other Cafes Who'll Fire Employees For Letting Peterson Use The Restroom  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    You're asking me to display fairness? For why, because Wendy's directly competes with Mickey D's? Similar hours, similar drive-thru, similar chance Adrian Peterson may one day find himself needing to use their restroom in an after-hours situation?

    Okay, I'll bite. It'll never happen. You know why? Because Carrot Top looks like Wendy from their logo.

    Now try to imagine Wendy all buffed up, with muscles instead of boobs. Braids with lats. Adrian Peterson-sized biceps on a calico-skirted Wendy. That's a scary thought, even for a superhero like Adrian Peterson. He'll never go near the place.

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