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Michelle Wie Breaks Parr by Stan Silliman     humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Michelle Wie Breaks Parr

         You can’t believe it, can you? Notice the two “Rs”? We’re talking about Jack Parr. She dug him up and then she broke him.
    That wasn’t very nice either to Ms. Wie or to my former favorite talk show host but… this appears to be the only way the very controversial player is going to break…

    Michelle Wie is nothing if not controversial. On several polls she was voted most talented and most over rated. It’s obvious her maturity lags far behind her talent. Also obvious her career has been badly mismanaged (blame Daddy Wie) and also obvious that even though I don’t want to, because I like her, we’re going to have to put her in a Silliman on Sports column. At one time she was the pride of all Hawaii but now she is a worldwide joke. 

    On one blog a man named Allison Homes wrote “This is what us old country boys from South Georgia call a ‘come-uppance.’ She is being brought down to where she belongs the hard way. She turned pro at an utterly stupid young age, can’t make it and now can’t go back to amateur or college golf. She deserves everything happening to her.”

    We see the hatred and the jealousy. We feel for her, though. She has some guts and she tries to remain cheery. She can’t help it her parents are idiots. She can’t help it her genetics made her tall and limber and ideally suited to smash a golf ball. She can’t help she grew up in the prettiest state in the union and had loads of sunshine in which to practice and play golf. She can’t help it Nike gave her a boatload of money and hinted it might be cute if she played in PGA   tournaments with the men. She can’t help it her dad insisted on caddying for her. After all, here she was a 15-16 year old surrounded by horny male golfers with herself being quite the underage looker. Her daddy is going to want to stay close to his little girl. She can’t help it she started playing so young she never bothered to learn the rules. She can’t help it her scores never reflect how well she’s playing. She can’t help it she’s crying like the little pig from the nursery rhyme going “wie, wie, wie,” all the way home. She can’t help it her family hired an over-paid sports psychologist to turn her into a “stay positive” auto-matron. She can’t help it she’s being compared to Jennifer Capriati. (That’s a bad comparison. For one thing Capriati never made near the money Wie is making. For another, Capriati actually won a few tournaments.)
Michelle Wie Breaks Parr by Stan Silliman     humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    Here’s one thing she can help. She can go to college and get away from her parents. And then for her integrity and her game, give up playing in the men’s events. Playing in PGA events, where she got big appearance fees, ruined her game. Why, you ask? Because even though she has a nice smooth 300-yard drive, it wasn’t enough to compete. She pressed to be in the mix of 310 to 325 yard hits and ruined her swing. She may have hurt her wrist in the process of representing.

    Go to Stanford and don’t return Phil Knight’s calls. Tell him you have a beer blast to attend because you have some growing up to do. Tell him you can’t make the next open because there’s a pizza party going on at Delta House. And while you’re at Stanford, take some accounting courses. And some pre-law. You will need both to fight your dad for control of your funds when you hit 21.
    And, most of all, remember we at Silliman defended you. While most other sports writers were calling you the worst waste of golfing ink space since John Daly, we said “No, wrong. Much prettier than John Daly.” Someday, when you’re mature and ready to come back, you may wish to give us an interview.

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