By Stan Silliman
THE MITCHELL REPORT ON BROADWAY WITH ROGER CLEMENS
How do you create a new Broadway musical? You adapt, folks. You adapt. And what sport does Broadway love more than baseball? Absolutely nothing! We now present -- using only the words contained and adapted in the 309 page George Mitchell report – We present The Mitchell Report on Broadway:
Well, boys and girls, with the trial of Roger Clemens, we’ve added a new act. People coming to get to see a fresh new version of the Mitchell Report. For your pleasure:
George Mitchell (GM): Here is my report. Judge me by my work.
Chorus: Judge him by his work. Judge him by his work.
Bud Selig (BS): Senator Mitchell! Senator Mitchell is very well respected… although sometimes misdirected. He certainly has dissected… a very complicated … as I have always stated … problemmmm!! A very complicated… problemmmm!!
Chorus: That was our commish… and he is as nebbishy as a fish …but he serves a lovely dish… of washy-wishy wish. This is OUR COMMISH!!
Jose Conseco (JC): What can I say? My name is Jose… Con-se-co.
Chorus: What can he say? What can he say? His name is Jose… Con-se-co.
Jose Conseco (JC): And all this I told you… in my book.
Chorus: He read a book!! Can he read? No!! Strike that. He WROTE a book!
JC: I wrote a book about steroids! I called it Juiced… and in it I talked about shooting it up Mark McGwire’s buttocks!! His buttoccccks!!
Chorus: Mark McGwire’s buttocks. Mark McGwire’s buttocks. His buttoccccks!!
George Mitchell: I name names, I name names, I name names … in my 309 page report.
Chorus: George’s book is longer than Jose Con-se-co’s.
GM: Mine is also more entertaining. Some of the names I name are surprising. Surprising!! Their baseball bodies were up-sizing. Up-sizing!! Even Rick Ankiel. Ankeil.
Chorus: The feel good story of the year!! Never fear. Rick Ankeil was the feel good story of the year!!
GM: There are 88 players on my list, retired and current. Many have Hispanic names which I cannot pronounce.
Chorus: He cannot say Tejada!! Miguel Tejada!! Nor Josias Manzanillo!! He just says oh wello!
Barry Bonds (BB): He can damn well say my name and he says it too much!!
Chorus: Barry only took the clear and the cream. He never shot up his buttocks. But his head is gigantic!! He only took the clear and the cream.
GM: Barry’s head IS gigantic! But he only took the clear and the cream. From Balco!! From Balco!!
Chorus: The Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative. And Mr. Bonds wasn’t being very Co-operative!!
GM: I have names from A to Z. From Manny Alexander to Gregory Zahn, From A to Z!!
BS: He even has the name of Juan Gonzales.
GM: That’s a hard one. Don’t make me pronounce that. Is he the only Juan?
BS: He’s the only Juan! He’s the Juan with the big wand. He’s dark complected… not so wan!! Juan is the one not so wan …
Chorus: With the big wand. With the Big Wand. With… the BIG WAND!!
GM: Now we bring out Roger the Rocket.
Chorus: The Rocket’s on the docket, the Rocket’s on the docket
GM: We have a list of witnesses, Andy Pettite, Laura Pettite and Tom Pettite
Chorus: The Pettites! The Pettites!
GM: Angela Mayer and Mindy McCready
Chorus: The mistresses!
GM: Brian McNamee, Kirk Radomski
Chorus: The drug pushers!
GM: Plus we have the bloody gauze with the DNA.
Chorus: He has the bloody gauze. He has the bloody gauze … with the DNA!
GM: And to prove the perjury, we’ll connect the bloody gauze back to McNamee
Chorus: He’ll connect the bloody gauze with Roger’s DNA…
with what the mistress say…
happened on that day…
with Brian McNamee…
in a certain special way
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