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THE MITCHELL REPORT ON BROADWAY WITH ROGER CLEMENS  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

How do you create a new Broadway musical? You adapt, folks. You adapt. And what sport does Broadway love more than baseball? Absolutely nothing! We now present -- using only the words contained and adapted in the 309 page George Mitchell report – We present The Mitchell Report on Broadway:

Well, boys and girls, with the trial of Roger Clemens, we’ve added a new act. People coming to get to see a fresh new version of the Mitchell Report. For your pleasure:

    George Mitchell (GM): Here is my report. Judge me by my work.
    Chorus: Judge him by his work. Judge him by his work.
    Bud Selig (BS): Senator Mitchell! Senator Mitchell is very well respected… although sometimes misdirected. He certainly has dissected… a very complicated … as I have always stated … problemmmm!! A very complicated… problemmmm!!
    Chorus: That was our commish… and he is as nebbishy as a fish …but he serves a lovely dish… of washy-wishy wish. This is OUR COMMISH!!
    Jose Conseco (JC):  What can I say? My name is Jose… Con-se-co.
    Chorus: What can he say? What can he say? His name is Jose… Con-se-co.
    Jose Conseco (JC): And all this I told you… in my book.
    Chorus: He read a book!! Can he read? No!! Strike that. He WROTE a book!
    JC: I wrote a book about steroids! I called it Juiced… and in it I talked about shooting it up Mark McGwire’s buttocks!! His buttoccccks!!
    Chorus: Mark McGwire’s buttocks. Mark McGwire’s buttocks. His buttoccccks!!
    George Mitchell: I name names, I name names, I name names … in my 309 page report.
    Chorus: George’s book is longer than Jose Con-se-co’s.
    GM: Mine is also more entertaining. Some of the names I name are surprising. Surprising!! Their baseball bodies were up-sizing. Up-sizing!! Even Rick Ankiel. Ankeil.
    Chorus: The feel good story of the year!! Never fear. Rick Ankeil was the feel good story of the year!!
    GM: There are 88 players on my list, retired and current. Many have Hispanic names which I cannot pronounce.
    Chorus: He cannot say Tejada!! Miguel Tejada!! Nor Josias Manzanillo!! He just says oh wello!
    Barry Bonds (BB): He can damn well say my name and he says it too much!!    
    Chorus: Barry only took the clear and the cream. He never shot up his buttocks. But his head is gigantic!! He only took the clear and the cream.
    GM: Barry’s head IS gigantic! But he only took the clear and the cream. From Balco!! From Balco!!
    Chorus: The Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative. And Mr. Bonds wasn’t being very Co-operative!!
    GM: I have names from A to Z. From Manny Alexander to Gregory Zahn, From A to Z!!
    BS:  He even has the name of Juan Gonzales.
    GM: That’s a hard one. Don’t make me pronounce that. Is he the only Juan?
    BS: He’s the only Juan! He’s the Juan with the big wand. He’s dark complected… not so wan!! Juan is the one not so wan …
    Chorus: With the big wand. With the Big Wand. With… the BIG WAND!!
    GM: Now we bring out Roger the Rocket.
    Chorus: The Rocket’s on the docket, the Rocket’s on the docket    
    GM: We have a list of witnesses, Andy Pettite, Laura Pettite and Tom Pettite
    Chorus: The Pettites! The Pettites!
    GM: Angela Mayer and Mindy McCready
    Chorus: The mistresses!
    GM: Brian McNamee, Kirk Radomski
    Chorus: The drug pushers!
THE MITCHELL REPORT ON BROADWAY WITH ROGER CLEMENS  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles

  GM: Plus we have the bloody gauze with the DNA.
  Chorus: He has the bloody gauze. He has the bloody gauze … with the DNA!
  GM: And to prove the perjury, we’ll connect the bloody gauze back to McNamee
  Chorus: He’ll connect the bloody gauze with Roger’s DNA…
                 with what the mistress say…
                 happened on that day…
                 with Brian McNamee…
                 in a certain special way
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