There’s going to be
a nightmare on a pirate ship. Nigerian, that is.
“Arrrrgh?” you say.
I don’t blame you. If I were you, I’d “Arrrgh” this
Okay, there is to be a new reality show called
“Pirate Masters” by Mark Burnett (who else?) where 16 contestants (pirates, if you may) dress up in
puffy shirts, big belt buckles and sail around the Caribbean looking
for booty. Whoever survives all the swashbuckling intrigue, talking
parrots and pirate-type backstabbing will win $ 1 million in doubloons.
If I knew what avast was,
I’d say it right here, followed by ye
landlubbers but I have no idea what that is or why I’m writing
this, so I won’t. No, I’ll continue writing. I just won’t say avast.
“Sports angle,” you ask, followed by “Arrrrgghh?”
It’s the Nightmare. One of the “pirates” is Christian Okoye, former
Kansas City Chief running back nicknamed appropriately “The Nigerian
Nightmare,” because that’s what you experienced after a day of trying
to tackle the 245 # running back.
What has Okoye been doing since he retired from the
NFL in the early nineties, you ask?
Excuse me. What has Okoye been doing since he retired, arrrrggghh, you
ask? He’s been living in Rancho Cucamonga (Pirate for “big gigantic
cuca”) for many years, running the Christian Okoye Foundation, a
charity organization that helps underprivileged youth use sport to
enhance their educational and personal goals. He also has a health and
fitness business selling protein powders and multivitamins. Piratey
enough for ya? Puffy shirt filling enough for ya? At 45, Okoye is the
oldest of the Pirate Master cast, thus being the most likely to wear an
We’ve checked out the balance of the cast, ranging
from age 21 to 43, and they all are athletic, many of them scuba divers
and diving instructors, fishermen, outdoorsmen, with two of the cast
from Alaska. Many of these people qualified to be on some of the
Survivor shows but for one reason or the other didn’t go on. One of the
cast members was in the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean.” They have all
volunteered to be buccaneers and live aboard a 179-foot, square rigged
barque. And they’ll be looking for treasure. Double arrrgghh.
Now we have to ask: why
all this fascination with Pirates? Anybody? Johnny Depp? Sports
teams naming themselves after pirates… like Pittsburg, and Tampa Bay,
Casinos staging a pirate’s sea battle nightly at the Treasure Island
with huge crowds every night?
Blackbeard? William Kidd? Barbary Wars? Naming almost every one of our
antique shopping malls after some type of pirate enterprise? Can you
help me, here? We’re glorifying thievery. You can trace our current
conflicts with Middle Eastern and North African countries back to
pirate activities from Algeria, Tunisia, and Morocco during the 16th
Century. We’re glorifying guys who rob at sea, take hostages, plunder
villages on the coastlines, and the guys who prevented the Spaniards
from taking their South American treasures back home. Okay, maybe that
was a good thing. But still, I don’t get it.
But I will watch a show or two because I liked Okoye
as a player and the way he carried himself. Being from Nigeria and not
too far from the original Mediterranean pirates might give him an
advantage. Being 250 pounds and loaded with vitamins may also help.
Being the only one in the cast who might be able to lift a chest full
of doubloons might also help. That’s the way I see the final show. It’s
down to the final two, they’ve found the treasure chest and Alexis
Shubin, a former All-American water polo player who happens to be a
really good swimmer finds the chest and starts yanking it out. Okoye
lets her pull on it, lets her try to lift it, lets her wear herself out
and then he dives in, uses his saber to cut the rope, stuffs his parrot
in Shubin’s mouth and then swims up with the loot. Please don’t argue
that because of Okoye’s race his swimming will be lack. That’s why he’s
a nightmare. Besides everything else, he can swim. Arrrgghh!