Italian soccer star
Marco Borriello failed a drug test when he tested positive for steroids
and faces suspension. Okay, that’s not much of a story and maybe you
haven’t heard of Borriello.
In case you think he’s the Marco that was head butted by Zidane in the
World Cup, he’s not. That was Marco Materazzi. Lots of Italian soccer players named Marco
.You’d think more Marcos would be playing polo. This Marco plays
for Milan, happens to be a really good soccer player… and happens to
date Argentine swimsuit model Belen Rodriguez.
We’re not writing this because he flunked a drug
test. Athletes fail drug tests every day. But not everyday does an
athlete blame his girlfriend for his stupidity. Not everyday does a
jock claim he must have ingested steroids when he came in contact with
his girlfriend’s yeast infection cream. But hey, we’re dealing with a
macho Italian. Who can figure out those guys?
Like I said, we’ve heard excuses but we think this
one ranks, no pun intended, right up there in the hall-of-fame of
excuses. And when we say no pun
intended, forgetaboutit, there was a pun intended.
We’re not trying to be too graphic here but either
Marco mistook Belen’s medicine tube for toothpaste or got it some other
way. I think he wants us to think he got it some other way and
therefore, when they realize how pretty and irresistible his supermodel
honey is, the governing board will have mercy or at least understanding and then not suspend
him. We think that’s revealing a little too much about his girlfriend
and we have no idea whether she’s happy about this kind of pub, but
again, we’re dealing with macho Italians. And there are plenty of
tabloids hoping to see this case go to court, especially, Italian
court. Because we think, in Italian court, anything goes. Picture this
When the judge asks “Mr. Borriello, do you claim you
didn’t knowingly take steroids? Can you produce evidence to the
contrary?” This is when Borriello’s attorney turns to the back of the
room where doors fly open, Rodriguez sashays in and he’ll say “Your
Honor, we present Exhibit A.” And, of course, being a crazy
Italian courtroom, music will start blasting “Don’t you wish your
girlfriend was hot like me? Doncha, Doncha? Hot like me?” And, of
course, in a perfect world Belen Rodriguez will be cross-examined:
attorney: Miss Belen Rodriguez, may I-a calla you Bele’? O-kay.
Marco, here, he is your lover, no? And some-a-times, he kiss you,
attorney: And when-a he kiss you, he some-a-times kiss you from
head to a toe, no?
attorney: So when-a he kiss you, did he go and brush-a his
teeth? O-kay. When-a he brush-a his teeth, did you leave steroid yeast
medicine on the counter? O-kay, did your steroid yeast medicine come-a
in a tube? Shaped like a toothpaste? O-kay. And your boyfriend, Marco,
he not a read so good.”
attorney: Lock him up, Judge. He is a too stupid to play soccer.
He is a kissing a beautiful woman from a head to a toe and he a stops
in the middle and go brusha his teeth. He should a finished the job.
I’m ashamed to call him Italiano.” (gesture, gesture, gesture)