Italian soccer star Marco Borriello failed a drug test when he tested positive for steroids and faces suspension. Okay, that’s not much of a story and maybe you haven’t heard of Borriello.
In case you think he’s the Marco that was head butted by Zidane in the World Cup, he’s not. That was Marco Materazzi. Lots of Italian soccer players named Marco .You’d think more Marcos would be playing polo. This Marco plays for Milan, happens to be a really good soccer player… and happens to date Argentine swimsuit model Belen Rodriguez.

    We’re not writing this because he flunked a drug test. Athletes fail drug tests every day. But not everyday does an athlete blame his girlfriend for his stupidity. Not everyday does a jock claim he must have ingested steroids when he came in contact with his girlfriend’s yeast infection cream. But hey, we’re dealing with a macho Italian. Who can figure out those guys?  

    Like I said, we’ve heard excuses but we think this one ranks, no pun intended, right up there in the hall-of-fame of excuses. And when we say no pun intended, forgetaboutit, there was a pun intended.

    We’re not trying to be too graphic here but either Marco mistook Belen’s medicine tube for toothpaste or got it some other way. I think he wants us to think he got it some other way and therefore, when they realize how pretty and irresistible his supermodel honey is, the governing board will have mercy or at least understanding and then not suspend him. We think that’s revealing a little too much about his girlfriend and we have no idea whether she’s happy about this kind of pub, but again, we’re dealing with macho Italians. And there are plenty of tabloids hoping to see this case go to court, especially, Italian court. Because we think, in Italian court, anything goes. Picture this scene:

    When the judge asks “Mr. Borriello, do you claim you didn’t knowingly take steroids? Can you produce evidence to the contrary?” This is when Borriello’s attorney turns to the back of the room where doors fly open, Rodriguez sashays in and he’ll say “Your Honor, we present Exhibit A.”  And, of course, being a crazy Italian courtroom, music will start blasting “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Doncha, Doncha? Hot like me?” And, of course, in a perfect world Belen Rodriguez will be cross-examined:

    Borriello’s attorney: Miss Belen Rodriguez, may I-a calla you Bele’? O-kay. Marco, here, he is your lover, no?  And some-a-times, he kiss you, no?”
    Belen: Si’  
    Borriello’s attorney: And when-a he kiss you, he some-a-times kiss you from head to a toe, no?
    Belen: Si’
    Borriello’s attorney: So when-a he kiss you, did he go and brush-a his teeth? O-kay. When-a he brush-a his teeth, did you leave steroid yeast medicine on the counter? O-kay, did your steroid yeast medicine come-a in a tube? Shaped like a toothpaste? O-kay. And your boyfriend, Marco, he not a read so good.”
    Belen: Si’
    Borriello’s attorney: Lock him up, Judge. He is a too stupid to play soccer. He is a kissing a beautiful woman from a head to a toe and he a stops in the middle and go brusha his teeth. He should a finished the job. I’m ashamed to call him Italiano.” (gesture, gesture, gesture)