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Patino-Sypher Flick Tough Casting   by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Patino-Sypher Flick Tough Casting

     Karen Sypher was found guilty of extorting Louisville basketball coach Rick Patino.  Whew, so now the trial is over, the movie can begin.

    If you followed the case you know about the key scenes: the cozy Italian restaurant, the back booth, the sex, the abortion, the extortion, the rape claim, the trial. All we need now are scripts, plots and actors. Movies have been started with less.

    Do you need a re-hash? Okay, just for you. We don’t do this for all our readers. Picture this: Late at night, meatball joint (for grins, let’s call it Porcini’s), tall-blonde (let’s call her Karen Wise) walks into the place, sees the Coach and his buddies near the back booth, walks up, whispers in the coach’s ear, buddies clear, bartender tosses keys and tells “the Boys” to lock up when done, where-in Blondie and Coachie un-zip, a few moans and groans, then Blondie drives the coach home. 

    Next we see the coach answering a phone, perturbed look, saying something like “You can’t be pregnant… it’s not my kid” then agrees to give her $ 3000 for “medical expenses” which is carried to Ms. Wise by his long time assistant and equipment manager, Tim Sypher.

    Here’s a quirky twist: Sypher falls in love with Karen as he drives her to an abortion clinic, and, oh yeah, after realizing they have so much in common – Coach Patino plus a trip to the abortionist – they get married.  Six years later, a man calls Patino claiming Rick raped Karen and they’ll go to the police unless $ 10 million and other considerations are paid. Yada, yada.

    Who do you root for in a sports movie like this? That’s why it might be tough to cast these characters… even sleazy Hollywood types have some morals.

    We’re thinking Pacino as Patino. A little make-up, baby Al’s face up a bit. Either Glenn Close, because we love typecasting, or Anne Heche as Karen Wise Sypher. Those were easy. Minor characters, if they’re juicy, make or break a movie and the minor characters we learned about in the trial, can be considered “juicy.”

    The Patino team tried to paint Sypher as a seducer so they trotted up one seductee after another.  Lester Goetzinger had a few dates with Karen and told the jurors Karen knew his name because he “wore it on his belt buckle.”  For the part of Lester, let’s try Eric Stonestreet (Cameron on “Modern Family”).

    Patino’s friend Glenn Hogan, one of Patino’s Porcini bar buddies and known for the “what you got under there?” line as he lifts up Karen’s skirt, to be played by Colin Quinn. 
Patino-Sypher Flick Tough Casting   by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles

    Attorney Dana Kolter, originally hired by Karen but later dragged up as another seductee, to be played by Daniel Baldwin.  Tim Sypher, Patino’s long time assistant and former husband of Karen, to be played by UConn basketball coach Jim Calhoun.
    We’re still mulling the title. “Over in 15 Seconds”, based on Patino’s statement of how long the tryst lasted, might work. “Back Booth Boogie” might work but we doubt, unless the music warrants. “Quick Shot Rick” is a catchy title but we expect it to be used as a chant by opposing fans.  “Porcini Mushroom” with a triple meaning basing the title on the restaurant, their food of choice and a sex act? Too complicated?  Nah, in this event… fits right in.   

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