By Stan Silliman
THE PREZ/IRON MIKE DEBATE CHAT
We made a conscious effort to stay away from politics in our column. After all we’re about sports. But how often does the opportunity come along when a major sports figure can interview a president… after a debate, no less? Keeping in mind that a sports figure is asking the questions, here’s the Mike Tyson interview with President Bush:
MT: Mr. President, thirstyly let me say it’s a protruding pleasure to meet with you.
GWB: Thank you, Iron Mike. I welcome your analyrical perspecticle on my debate with candidate Kerry. It’s good to have a boxer’s viewpoint. Do you mind if I call you Iron?
MT: Not at all, Mr. President. It would be a pugnacious honor.
GWB: What do you think, Iron? Kerry came at me with some jabs but I bobbed and I weavered, didn’t I?
MT: Yes, sir, Mr. President, you got ring smarts. You were unflinchifiable. When he accusitized you of going into Iraqistan without globalosity, you hit him with a left hook.
GWB: I did? Tell me more.
MT: Well, Sir, you said when somebody attacks you, like Iraqistan, you don’t ask your mommy if you can punch him back. You packing your authori… your authenticity…. your autocracy right here.
GWB: That’s right. We don’t need more inspections to go after tourists.
MT: He was trying to rope you but you side stepped him. You brought him in close and took a bite of his lobe.
GWB: Just like I did with Saddam. He was trying to hide in a spider hole but I sent my spider extremenators down after him.
MT: I don’t like spiders, Mr. President.
GWB: Well, do you think I do? Heck, son, I’m from Texas.
MT: Mr. Kerry made accusitations on your person, Sir. He tried to say you had Alabama Bin Laden in some mountains and let him slip of the ring.
GWB: Mr. Kerry said a lot of things. Mostly with those giant puppet Lurch eyes of his. Well, we didn’t let Osama escape. He holed up in a cave and you know what I call tourists who hole up in a cave?
MT: Cavemen, Mr. President?
GWB: No, I call ‘em Tourists Who Hole Up in a Cave.
MT: Mr. Kerry accusified you of farming out the capturosity to warlords. Why didn’t you claim scatigorical deniability?
GWB: Cuz we did use the warlords. They’re cave monkeys. They know their way around stalagmites and have the necessary sprelunkitude.
MT: I’ve been in a few dark holes myself. Some people say it’s that way between my ears.
GWB: Don’t let them ever say that. I can tell by your vocaliability that you’re pretty smart for a boxer.
MT: And you’re a gooder debater.
GWB: Well, he tried to smack me with that long Massachusetts reach of his but I defended myself. I said he flip-flops too much to be a leader.
MT: He ain’t got your gratuity, Mr. President.
GWB: I didn’t think we had to leave a tip. I’ll ask Laura.
MT: I liked your constitisisty, Mr. President.
GWB: Iron, did you like it when I said the only thing consistent about my opponent was his inconsistiality.
MT: You hit him where he lives. If there’s anything fragilistic, and I mean this obtusidly, is that Mr. Kerry is incontinent. He don’t get it right. His incontinence shows.
GWB: You got that right. He’s a big Lurch wearing flip-flops. I bet when he walks, he creaks.
MT: If it don’t rise first.
GWB: What was that?
MT: If the creek don’t rise when John Kerry is wearing flip-flops.
GWB: Heck, son, I’m from Texas. You don’t have to tell me about rising creeks.
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