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By Stan Silliman
       

QUARTERBACKS?  HUSBAND MATERIAL?

    First off, I don’t watch The Bachelor- not that it wouldn’t be funny to watch twenty five beauties throw themselves at some self-obsessed guy but it’s the nagging three-decades married part of my mind that says if the bachelor and one of the ladies do happen to hook up you know he is in for years of:  “But what about contestant # 22, is my butt bigger than hers?”

   
It’s bad enough to have a few ex-girlfriends your wife might remember but to have twenty-four exes video taped for posterity who also happen to be buddies she bunked with?  It’s a pop-a-tape-in disaster waiting to happen.

    We’re saying this because Jesse Palmer, New York Giants back-up quarterback, is now The Batchelor and we’re told by Lyle’s sister, Verna, that he’s “hunky.” I tell Verna that Jesse would be a hunky of chopped liver if it weren’t for linemen Jeff Roehl, Ian Allen and Scott Peters. She nods. She knows it’s an offensive lineman’s job to keep their quarterback hunky.
Just like it is some agent’s job to keep William Hung “She-Banging”in front of our face until we get carpel tunnel from channel changing.

    The big sports guy question: What makes women think quarterbacks are such great catches in the first place? First, he always huddles up with ten other guys. Second, he’s used to calling the signals and third, he always has to have the last word. If women analyzed this, they’d know that kind of stuff doesn’t work in a marriage. He’s even used to doing last second audibles! Like you’ve got plans to go out to dinner and then he comes up with “I checked out the defense. The traffic going to be heavy on the cross town, I decided we should go to McDonalds.”
QB husbabds


   
Ladies, you may not realize but this is the way they’re trained. Think you can change him? A quarterback is harder to change than Rush Limbaugh’s opinion. A grown up quarterback has been coddled. He’s been living in a little pocket, feeling protected. He’s been making passes all his life and he expects a good completion ratio. It’s a tough project. Yeah, we know he’s used to pain and we’ll give you that but the rest of the package is unmarryable.

    People have tried marrying quarterbacks – we remember Mrs. Warren Moon. Deborah Namath, who changed her name to Tatiana after marrying Joe, is another who tried it. We’re thinking that if you’re not willing to change your name to Tatiana, it may not work. Even with a weird name like JoJo, as in Starbuck, her marriage only lasted a few years to Terry Bradshaw. But think about this – if JoJo had only copy written her last name, Starbuck, think where she’d be now – on every street corner in America and several more in Seattle, that’s where. 

    We know there are some quarterback marriages that have worked – The John Elways, the Joe Montanas, the Brett Favres – and we know there is probably one or two others we’ve left out but for the most part, it’s a dicey deal. A woman would be better served in a football marriage to connect with the holder for the place kicker. He’s always on his knees, he knows which way to turn the laces and he doesn’t get up until the goal is completed.

    There, I think we saved many broken homes.


     
    
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