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Quote Wars:  Quarterbacks vs Kickers by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Quote Wars:  Quarterbacks vs Kickers

This week on quote wars, we’re looking at quarterbacks vs place-kickers, two of the flakiest positions in NFL football. 
Do you doubt us? Kickers have these strange names, usually foreign born, learned to play futbal’, kick soccer-style, say things like “I keeck a touchdown” and wouldn’t know how to tackle if you asked them and the quarterbacks… they’re…  er… flaky.  The quotes we get from players playing these positions will be weird, crazy, who knows? But we’re also going to throw in quotes from coaches and announcers discussing these guys.     
I know what you’re thinking. You’re two steps ahead of me, as usual. You’re saying “Well, if quarterbacks AND kickers are so crazy and so quotable, what about George Blanda? He was a quarterback and a placekicker… and proficient at both. He must be a nutcase. He must be the greatest quote machine of all time!”
Sorry.  You’d think that’d be the case but I looked. The truth is, and I know you’re not going to believe this, George Blanda is just plain… bland.  Not sure why.

You may also be asking, why quarterbacks? Don’t they have to learn complete playbooks, be smart, leaders and all that? Yes. But one thing separates them from all the other players. They bark out signals with their hands placed under another player’s butt.  If they don’t feel self-conscious about it, something is wrong. And if they do feel self-conscious about it, they’ll eventually snap.

You might be also asking who is smartest between these players. Let’s have a look-see and a quote-see:

Let’s start with a guy known for his great judgment in friends:
Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcon QB) – “Luckily, I have people I can trust watching over my things while I’m out here earning a paycheck.”
Followed by a quick thinking kicker:
Garo Yepremian – on his disastrous attempt to throw a pass in the Super Bowl:  “Many big people were chasing me. I didn’t know what to do. So I thought I would surprise them and throw it.”

Next let’s hear from the blonde prince of a quarterback:
Chris Simms (Tampa Bay QB) – “Once they pull that spleen out of my shoulder, I should be good to go.”   Okay, Chris, at least you’re younger and more immortal than those old kickers.
Lou Groza – “Old place-kickers never die. They just go on missing the point.”
Quote Wars:  Quarterbacks vs Kickers by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles

Joe Theismann -  “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Maybe a genius is someone who ducks and hides when Lawrence Taylor is chasing him. Maybe a genius in football is someone who understands their job:
Adam Vinatieri – “You just have that swing; you know what you have to do. You just go out there and do it.”
Some quarterbacks went into broadcasting. It gave them a chance to vent:

Dan Fouts – “Now that I’m retired I want to say all defensive linemen are sissies.”

What about kickers? Are they sissies? How do they think of themselves?
Matt Stover (Baltimore kicker) describing his job “The way I look at a kicker is that we are the sniper. We are the guy who sits out in the brush for three, four days waiting for his opportunity – to kick the field goal or take out the general or whatever it takes.”
We were keeping this on kickers and QBs but Dan Fouts brought up defensive linemen. Maybe we should let a defensive lineman rag on a quarterback:

Howie Long, on Terry Bradshaw – “In Montana, they renamed a town after all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw – Marblehead.”

Should we let Bradshaw answer?
Terry Bradshaw – “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.”
QBs who toss the ball 88 yards on the fly aren’t always considered the brightest bulb. But what if he’s compared to Jay Cutler?

Jeff George , on being compared to Jeff Cutler “Oh, that’s a HUUUUUGE compliment. I mean, come on, you can’t get any better than that!”

Okay Jeff, we know you want back in the league. But no matter what, you’ll never play as long as this guy. And you know what else, after 25 years in the league coaches still call time out on him during the last seconds:

Morton Andersen, on when opposing coaches call time-out attempting to “freeze” the kicker:
“To me, it’s an advantage because it gives me extra time to find my target, to set up and get relaxed. I chuckle to myself because I know they just helped me.”

Last second kicks make or break place kickers. How do they feel about it?
David Akers (Philadelphia kicker) – “You’re kind of the hero or the goat, and rightfully so… or not.”
No, the quarterback should be the hero. Joe Namath, anything you want to say to David Akers?
Joe Namath – “I wanna kiss you.”
Hold it, Joe. We know you wore pantyhose and all that but David Akers could kick just as well on astroturf as he could on grass. What do you say to that?
Joe Namath – “I don’t know if I prefer astroturf to grass. I never smoked astroturf.”

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