on Sports
Riot Protocol


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
America Needs To Export Riot Protocol

           In the country of Indonesia 70 people were arrested for arson and vandalism after soccer fans went on the rampage when their team lost a national championship. Here’s the kick: they rioted when they lost. That’s not supposed to happen. Where are the models of Detroit, Lansing, and Boston? Rioting is supposed to happen, police cars are to be turned over ONLY when you WIN! Burning and smashing… not so beneficial when you lose.

    Here’s what I’m getting at – we’re out there doing our exporting and spreading thing. How’d we let down at this aspect of sports? America has been good at exporting sports and sports related items. Basketball is now played around the world.  Baseball is in more countries than you can imagine. We’re also blowing up countries and spreading democracy. Where was Indonesia when riot protocol was passed?

    Here’s some more on that story: 74 supporters of Jakarta’s Persija football club were detained after they set fire to eight police vehicles and damaged eleven civilian cars September 25, said Jakarta police spokesman I Ketut Untung Yoga. That’s his name, I kid you not.

    We think we know what’s going on, possibly. It may be, just like us, the rioters will do anything to see I Ketut Untung Yoga’s name in print.  Everybody was interviewing him, stifling a snicker, while scribbling in their little reporter’s notebook, especially when Yoga with his slight speech impediment (the Untung) conducts the interview cross legged in the Padmasana (the lotus) and then switches to the halasana (the plow).
Riot Protocol
    “People in Bung Karno Stadium clazy,” say Yoga, now switching to the pasasana (the Noose) and we’re not even going to try to tell you how he pronounced Bung Karno. “They unhappy team lost to Persipura 2-3. Twenty two of our policemen hurt.” Many reporters tried to emulate Yoga’s positions but broke their backs when he went to the ultrasana (the Camel).  

    Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove and a few big city mayors need to hightail it to Jakarta and explain that rioting is for winners. You don’t burn down the stadium when your team blows it.
Don’t they get cable in Jakarta? Boston and Detroit didn’t get to be the great cities they are by destroying property when they lose. You don’t have ticker tape parades that pass by burned out car carcasses when you’re in second place. It’s not savory to go say “Woowhee, we finished second. Let’s go turn over a few Kias.” And right there, turning over KIAs, that’s not going make international television.  You’ve got to turn over large vehicles, the type that make a bonfire, to be properly celebratory.

    We’re sure Donald and Karl can straighten these guys out. Even with their lisping police spokesman with his multitude of Yoga positions, they need to cut out the loser’s riot. Jakarta has got these huge skyscrapers, world’s tallest, but if the country wishes to be accepted into the modern nations, their citizens need to know how to riot.

    George Bush will tell them “Nobody likes losers who riot. You need to earn the right to riot. If you riot at everything, nobody will take your rioting seriously. You need to save it for special occasions. Unless you just want to see your police spokesman get into all those funny positions. Those are weird, aren’t they. Laura, she once tried to get me to do that Locust. I said, no, that’s an insect. What if I got stuck that way, I told her.”    

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