Embattled Toronto crack
smoking mayor Rob Ford said at a press
conference November 14 that he had “more than
enough to eat at home.”
It’s obvious, you can tell by looking at him.
An overweight crack smoker doesn’t get
to be 400 pounds without “plenty to eat at
home.” The guy certainly has an
appetite. It makes us wonder whether his
diet might include athletes. Not big
ones, mind you, but it does appear his stomach
could be hoarding a couple of gymnasts and
maybe a jockey. We’re not saying he’s a
cannibal but he does admit to being blackout
drunk, so who really knows?
Now, you might be asking what is Rob Ford
doing in a “Silliman on Sports” column?
What does Rob Ford have to do with
sports? Answer: he was a football coach. He’s
the mayor of a city with several pro sports
teams. He is often photographed wearing his
Maple Leafs or Argonauts shirt. He was once
photographed wearing an OU Sooners T-Shirt.
His belly can hold several athletes.
We have to ask “Did you ever eat an athlete
during one of your drunken stupors, Mr. Ford?”
Of course, he answers “There’s no video so
that’s all I can say.”
I don’t know about you but answers like that
make us even more inquisitive. Another
question, Mr. Ford “We know you balanced the
budget in Toronto but what is it about you
biting athletes?” His answer “Sooner or
later, you’re going to get bitten.”
Some of you are going to say these questions
are stupid. And, besides, there’s no way Rob
Ford could have ever eaten any athletes
because he’s not very athletic and… you are
what you eat. I guess that’s logical.
After all, didn’t Mike Tyson later become more
docile and even a vegan after he gnawed off
Evander’s ear? Yeah, we can see that
argument. But, sometimes, if you’re a
crack-smoking inebriate, you eat things that
does not become you.
Okay, so we’ll take a different tact. “Mr.
Ford, not saying you ever did, but if you were
ever to eat some athletes, who would sound the
“You mean like Coco Crisp, or Mitch Berger,
Bubba Franks or Jack Ham? All of those sound
delicious, especially garnished with O.J. Mayo
or Dijon Thompson.”
Now, you’re talking, Mr. Ford. You certainly
know your ballplayers and tasty food sounding
names. Of course we would never accuse
you of actually ingesting a player of this
caliber. But are there any other players,
maybe lesser known, with delectable sounding
names you might know of?
“Well, I always thought the name Samari Rolle
made my mouth water, covered with Jerry Rice,
garnished with Julius Peppers, then dipped in
Chad Mustard... a side of Cornbread
Maxwell, then some after dinner Todd Coffey
and George Creamer.”
“We thought, Mr. Mayor, you might prefer your
“You Americans, always with the jokes.
Let’s just clear this up, drunk or not, I’ve
never eaten an athlete not even as finger
food. I will admit, I’ve watched a lot
of sports and salivated at the mention of
these guys. George Gerken would make me
crack open a pickle jar. Oops, did I say
‘crack’? I meant twist open. Goose
Goslin? With Daryl Strawberry? Both those guys
on the field, I couldn’t take it. And,
worst of all, when that old Polish Pittsburg
Steeler, Max Kielbasa, was on the field,
I’d go crazy. It was enough to make you
take up crack.”
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