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Rock Paper Scissors Ultimate Sport  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles






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By Stan Silliman
       
Rock Paper Scissors Ultimate Sport

    “Bring it! Throw it! Hit ‘em with a Rock. If we don’t win it, then I’ll be shocked!”

    Okay, so it doesn’t rhyme perfectly. What do you expect from cheerleaders at the Collegiate Rock Paper Scissors championship?
    “Hit her with some paper but don’t you try to rape her!”
    No! Stop that!
    “Surprise him with the Scissors! Don’t dress like Eddie Izzard!”
    Hey, quit that. That’s terrible!
   
    The USA Rock Paper Scissors Collegiate Championship will be held March 14-17 in Acapulco. The winner will walk away with $ 25,000 in scholarships.
Yes!! Hurry down to Acapulco for the greatest sport of all time. And by greatest sport we mean greatest sport involving one hand. And by sport, we mean widest opportunity, open to competitors of all ages, all languages and sexual orientation.

    How much do we revere the equality of Rock Paper Scissors? So much that we feel a ten ton stone monument should be erected at statehouses throughout our land promoting the virtues of RPS. We propose a monument with a scene depicting a piece of paper being cut by scissors. Of course, the monument is made of rock so all our bases are covered… with paper… being cut by…

    Will the ACLU object to RPS monuments being erected at statehouses? Sure, it’s a highly moral game promoting old fashioned virtues therefore we’d like laws enacted requiring RPS to replace coin tosses on matters of high governmental importance.  We’re hoping the ACLU registers no protest.

    The equality of the game is its greatest virtue. Anybody can play. Even Rahm Emanuel can play it. Against someone who might be a little… er… umm… shall we say… er… well, you know what I mean.
Rock Paper Scissors Ultimate Sport  by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    Here’s our only complaint. We have nothing against Acapulco but we think the event warrants a bigger venue and audience than the spring break beach crowd. Why not stage it in JerryWorld? If the Dallas Cowboy stadium can host 108,000 people for a NBA All-Star game, imagine how many can cram in to witness Rock Paper Scissors? Hear me out. For the All-Star game space had to be left for a 50’x100’ basketball court. For RPS all you need is 10’x10’.  That’s 100 square feet as opposed to 5000’.  In other words, 3000 more people! Plus we’d be able to see the cheerleaders doing their RCP cheers on the oversized godzillatron.

    “Rock and paper! Paper and rock! Give ‘em awe! Give ‘em shock! Go team!!”

    
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