“Yes, we will
raise more money for the Dixieland Preservation Society than any other
year in their history,” Nick Saban says, after being named this year’s
Grand Master in Mobile’s Pimps and Hoes Ball.
The press conference is a crowded affair. Reporters
are jostling. Some see it as a good PR move for Saban, who
earlier ruffled some feathers by equating some NFL agents as pimps. He
agreed to be Grand Master after many pimps in the community found the
term “agent” to be highly insulting.
“I been called lots o’ thangs,” says Silky “Smooth
Move” McSilk. “But I sure never be no damn agent.”
So you think Coach Saban is making things right,
helping out the community by serving as Grand Master?
“You betcha!” It appears to be a leggy Alabama fan
dressed in a Sarah-Palin-As-a-Ho outfit. “Coach knows we need to
preserve some Dixieland and this here ball is real fun… and pretty
Will your ride be pimped when you arrive at the
Ball, Mr. Saban?
“Yes, the vehicle I’ll be chartering will be a
pimped stretch loaded with Dom, and a bevy of bitchin’ hoes,” says
Saban. “Making it real.”
Will some of your players be in the limo with you?
“You know… I’ll get back to you on that. Love
to have ‘em but I’ll need to check regulations. If they were to
be in my ride, they wouldn’t be setting right next to me. There’d be a
gaybuffer space. Maybe a ho or two.”
How about furs? Will you be wearing a fur? How about
your players? When they come to the ball, will they have full length
“Ahhhh, y’know, it’s really warm in Alabama. I’m not
How about a cane? Will you allow your players to
have gold tipped canes?
“Awww don’t know. I’m not really familiaaaaar with …”
What if some people came here dressed as agents,
like that Ari Gold character on television?
“No! No agents will be permitted to attend the Pimp and Ho Ball this
year. We’re trying to keep a minimal standard. No agents allowed. Just
hard working hoes and their pimps… and, of course, hard working
professionals dressed up as hoes and pimps.”
Will there be a heel height limit this year? Last
year some of the heels broke and goldfish went swimming on the dance
“I believe no heels can be over 8” tall,” says
Saban. “I’ll have to check with the compliance department.”
How about booty-pad panties? Will booty-pad panties
be allowed at the ball this year?
“I’m not sure… I don’t… what the heck are
You know, Sir, enhancement panties… making the booty
all-it-can-be… and more. It’s almost like a steroid issue, Sir. Some of
the gals are boosting their butts.
“It’s a freaking costume party! People can wear
whatever they want. I’m not the coach of the party! I’m just a grand
master. I’m a figurehead! I’m trying to help! Don’t make me sorry I
left my $ 10 million dollar house to help fund Dixieland!! What’s a
Dixieland, anyway? Sheesh.”