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Saban's Contract a Nickapaloosa  by Stan Silliman     humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Saban's Contract a Nickapaloosa 

      Alabama football coach Nick Saban has the richest college football contract, ever, and according to Bubba Bamah, worth it.

    According to the website - Bible - the University of Alabama’s hometown will now be called Nickaloosa and they say so on the front side of their new T-Shirt. The back side quotes Hebrews 11:9 “By faith he made his home in the promised land.” Two things Bamans are passionate about: their Faith and their Football, both capitalized.

    It is a big contract. Not only does Saban get $ 3.5 million plus incentive bonuses in his first year but he also gets perks: two automobiles for his family (because we guess when you’re only getting paid 3.5 you can’t be expected to pay for one of them), his insurance paid by the university (again, the school has much greater buying power so why force a new coach to dip into his 3.5), a luxury box at the stadium with a dozen free season tickets (typical, BUT, and this is a big one. How is he going to entertain his guests in the box when they didn’t also provide him with a jet-pack so he could visit them during time-outs? “Have they been feeding ya good? How’s the Bar-B-Que?” I would have held out for a jet-pack.) Then there’s a free country club membership, and we all know, those country-club memberships, when you’re only knocking down 3.5, whew. Easy to understand that one. One more thing: He also gets 25 hours of private jet time for personal use. I know a lot of you are going to say “You can’t jet off to Australia to go hunting for Koala bear in less than a twelve hour flight so, of course, if you’re into killing a lot of Koalas, and what self respecting football coach isn’t, you need 25 hours of personal jet time.” To which we counter “Couldn’t he have just flown to Hawaii?” And then you say “Stupid! There are no Koala Bears in Hawaii.”

    Scanning over the contract, I did see something very unusual – no buyout clause. The previous coach – Mike Shula – had a buyout clause and the Mike before Shula (Price) had a buyout clause. It’s almost as if Nick Saban wrote the contract and you know from experience, Saban is a guy always looking for a better deal. The no-buyout is not in Alabama’s favor and here’s why. If Saban is fired, terminated, let go for poor performance, Alabama has to pay the balance of his 8-year $ 32 million contract, even if he only coached three years. Without a buyout Saban could make MORE by performing badly than by winning. He could stink it up, even on purpose, and if they let him go, they have to pay him immediately the eight-year balance.

    Can you imagine this scene? The athletic director comes into Saban’s office and says “Coach, some of our alums wondered why you had the offensive tackles playing safety. Aren’t they a little slow to keep with up today’s wide receivers? And last week, you were feeding  players Krispy Kremes during time-outs. Is that really beneficial? Also a few of our fans question the wisdom of quick-kicking on first down four possessions in a row. Can you answer any of this?”

    To which Saban will say “Them Krispy Kremes, they are mighty tasty… in a Roll-Tide kind of way. We haven’t won any games in a while but that will change when the big recruits hear we’ve got Krispy Kremes. Besides, I haven’t done anything immoral and I’ve got six more years on my contract. Roll Tide. Oh, I forgot to mention. The next two weeks I’m using the personal jet to fly to Japan. I may even check out a few Sumos while I’m there. The assistants, they can handle the Auburn game.” 
Saban's Contract a Nickapaloosa  by Stan Silliman     humor sports comedy cartoons articles

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