Hal Fast, the old racing guy, is excited by news that a group in Mooresville, N.C. is putting together a Seniors NASCAR short tract tour. He even plans to dust off his goggles and try to qualify.
    “I can see it now,” I tell him, “Everyone in 1978 Buicks all wearing big glasses, helmets barely above the steering wheel and all shouting, ‘Hey, watch where you’re going.”

    ‘Whoa, hold on,” says Hal Fast, who if you say his name really fast comes out as Half –Ast, “Brett Favre is the hottest QB in the NFL. Vinnie Testeverde, who is like 98 in quarterback years, played some games this year. This tour will have the old pros, guys like Harry Gant, Geoffrey Bodine, James Hylton and Dick Trickle.”

    “Uh, Oh,” I say “I know what this tour is about… a guise to get Dick Trickle back into the headlines.”

    Hal Fast, flustered, walks away. How fast did Hal Fast walk, you ask? Not totally fast… but not slow either. About midway between slow and fast… half fast.

    All right, I shouldn’t have giggled when I said “Dick Trickle.” After all, the guy is a winner. He won more races than any race car driver ever.  Sure, a lot of them were on dirt tracks, but that was before many of the bergs ever heard of paving.  Dick Trickle is one of the greatest racers of all time… with one of the worst names.

    And it’s not his fault. Trickle is a fine name. Reagan used it in his campaign to explain his “Trickle Down” economic theory. It was what the rich were going to do on the poor.

    Dick Trickle would win race after race after race and still have trouble picking up sponsors. Mark Martin was sponsored by Viagra. Dick Trickle thought he was up for that one but no chance. He was Winston Cup Rookie of the Year in 1989 at the age of 48 and Bayer Aspirin shunned him. Was it going to be that much of a pain for them to show Dick Trickle taking two of their pills? Even the champagne the drivers pop when they’ve won the race, you know the stuff that’s trickling down their happy face and everyone is kissing them and they’re in the happy winner’s circle? Well, as soon as Dick Trickle approached them to be his sponsor, they went flat.  

    Flomax approached him. Flomax is a drug that helps you flow better, urologically.  You would think this might be a godsend for Dick Trickle except they wanted him to legally change his name to Flomore. That’s not right. He didn’t go for that. Dick Trickle has integrity and that’s why we’re pulling for him to do well in the seniors NASCAR tour. Maybe then, he’ll pick up some sponsors. Depends, I guess, on which one comes along.

    I think this type of event will be cool, especially if they keep it old school. Actually go back and use older style car bodies with new original blocks. Dress in retro uniforms. Let the cars have turn signals and ash trays with the guys smoking on the straight-aways.

    Maybe then, my friend Hal Fast will get in on the tour. Except Hal wants to go even older school with leather helmets, wood-rim wheels and ooohga horns. I like that. They could be racing old style limousines. OOOHGA! OOOGHA! “Hey, watch where you’re going!”