Here’s an image for you: Shaq walking on a California beach in a Speedo.
Let’s ramp it up a bit: Shaquille O’Neal strolling
Hermosa Beach in a pink Speedo two sizes too small. Yes, try to wipe
that image out of your head. Beating your skull against a wall won’t do
it. Don’t try to use brain damage as a cop-out. Strolling in a pink
Speedo will be Shaq’s penalty when he and Olympic partner Phil
Dalhausser lose a beach volleyball game to Olympians Kerri Walsh and
That’s the premise of ABC’s new show “SHAQ VS.”
premiering August 18th. Shaq is pitted against the best athletes in the
world in a competition in the challenging athlete’s primary sport. Shaq
will train with a special coach for one week for each challenge and the
winner gets bragging rights. The episodes will feature preliminary
challenges, news conferences, and negotiations of a handicap between
Shaq and his competitors.
Here’s how the negotiations will go. For instance on
the episode where he swims against Michael Phelps in the 25 meter
freestyle, it’ll start with both parties sitting at a table:
Phelps: I’ll give you a ten meter head start.
Shaq: I’m thinking 15 meters. (then Shaq stands up)
The first episode will pit Shaq against Ben
Roethlisberger in football skills. Future episodes will have him
against Phelps, Oscar de la Hoya, Albert Pujols, Serena Williams and
the before discussed Olympic volleyball champs Misty May-Treanor and
Here will be the negotiations when Shaq boxes De la Hoya:
De la Hoya: We’ll have three 3 minute rounds.
Shaq: If anyone hits below the belt, he loses.
Shaq loves giving himself nicknames. Besides Shaq,
he has called himself “The Diesel” as in a big truck, and when he was
being philosophical he tagged himself “The Big Aristotle.” For these
challenges we expect new creative nicks. When he plays quarterback
he’ll be the “Pocket Tower.” Against Phelps he’ll be “Shaq-Orca.”
Against De la Hoya he’ll be “Shaquille de Pain.”
Against Pujols he’ll be “The Big Strike Zone.” Against Serena he’ll be
“The Human Foot Faulter.” Against the beach volleyballers he’ll be “The
Here might be the negotiations when Shaq plays Serena:
Serena: You have to wear a bra. That will even things.
Shaq: A bro! A sports bro! And you have to wear Shaq size 22 shoes.
Serena: Size 22s? Is that a Women’s 22?
Shaq (standing up): No, but you can wear as many socks as you need.
Tune in next Tuesday (August 18) for the first show
(Shaq vs Big Ben). It’ll be a seven-on-seven football concept with a
center, a QB, five receivers against five DBs and two rushers. Ben will
QB one team, Shaq the other. We’re sure that in the negotiations Shaq
will try to load up his team with receivers who can catch high passes.
High, high passes.