on Sports
Sharpies and Cellphones


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
    Sharpies and cell phones and wide-outs who use them
    Showboats and hot dogs- those guys who abuse them
    Terrell and Joe Horn and Deion all blings
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Guys up in arms; talking heads all a buzzin’
    Outrage and shock; you’d thought he married his cousin
    Or broke in the lockers, stole Superbowl rings
    These are a few of my favorite things

    When he phones home
    When the suits moan
    When he makes them mad
    I just add these to my favorite things
    And then I don’t feel…. so bad

    Big deals of the NFL season: New Orlean’s Joe Horn and his end zone cell phone. Terrell Owens and the Sharpie he hid in his sock. Oooooooh. Give me a break. The destruction of the league is upon us. We can’t let crass commercialism enter the playing field. Oh, noooo. What’s next – godless communism?

    Lyle, my neighbor has walked in. “Silliman,” he yells. You can tell his scratchy voice anywhere. He sounds like he’s been eating three loads of gravel with only Liquid Drano to wash it down. “Whatcha writing about? Hey! You doing something on that punk, Joe Horn?”

    Horn is not a punk, I tell Lyle. He’s a football player… and an entertainer.

    “The heck, you say. Horn’s the worst kind of punk. Me this, Me that. So what if my team gets a 15 yard penalty, I’m gonna do my showy show.”

    It’s football. It’s supposed to be fun. Even in the pros, I tell Lyle.

    “No, it’s not. It’s serious money. Serious business,” says Lyle. “If we allow one player to whip out his cell phone the whole league will carry cells in their hip pads. Tight ends will be calling quarterbacks to double check the count. Can’t have it.”

    He received a $ 30,000 fine. Isn’t that enough? Should he have to serve two years in the electric chair?

Sharpies and Cellphones.html
   “Suspended without pay for three games -- that’d be right. Show ‘em they can’t be yakity yaking in the end zone. And Terrell Owens with his Sharpie -- If I were Tagyboo, I’d tell Owens to stick that Sharpie in a place where he hopes it’s not so sharpie.”

    Ooooh. That’s pretty good… for Lyle. I’m glad Lyle’s not the commissioner. They already call the NFL the No Fun League.  Under Lyle, it’d be the LTNFL (Less than No Fun…)
or something. Paul Tagliabue has turned this league into a giant cash cow but sometimes he  reminds you of the Tom Landry styled coach (played by GD Spradlin) from the movie North Dallas Forty as he’s pointing to his computer and saying to the wide receiver Phil Elliot (played by Nick Nolte) “See, it’s right here. Right here on the computer. You’re taking the worse mug shots in the history of mug shots. You look like a bum off a thirty day bender. Your mug shot will be the all-time worst ever mug shot… unless someday they uncover an evil dictator holed up in a spider hole.”

    To which Phil Elliot (played by Nick Nolte) answers “You don’t get it. This game is  supposed to be fun. It’s still a game.” Nolte pauses, “And what the hell fun is it taking a mug shot… unless you get groady with it?”  
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