Sharpies and cell phones and wide-outs who use them
Showboats and hot dogs- those guys who abuse them
Terrell and Joe Horn and Deion all blings
These are a few of my favorite things
Guys up in arms; talking heads all a buzzin’
Outrage and shock; you’d thought he married his cousin
Or broke in the lockers, stole Superbowl rings
These are a few of my favorite things
When he phones home
When the suits moan
When he makes them mad
I just add these to my favorite things
And then I don’t feel…. so bad
Big deals of the NFL
season: New Orlean’s Joe Horn and his end zone cell phone. Terrell
Owens and the Sharpie he hid in his sock. Oooooooh. Give me a break.
The destruction of the league is upon us. We can’t let crass
commercialism enter the playing field. Oh, noooo. What’s next – godless
communism?
Lyle, my neighbor has walked in. “Silliman,” he yells. You can tell his
scratchy voice anywhere. He sounds like he’s been eating three loads of
gravel with only Liquid Drano to wash it down. “Whatcha writing about?
Hey! You doing something on that punk, Joe Horn?”
Horn is not a punk, I tell Lyle. He’s a football player… and an
entertainer.
“The heck, you say. Horn’s the worst kind of punk. Me this, Me that. So
what if my team gets a 15 yard penalty, I’m gonna do my showy show.”
It’s football. It’s supposed to be fun. Even in the pros, I tell Lyle.
“No, it’s not. It’s serious money. Serious business,” says Lyle. “If we
allow one player to whip out his cell phone the whole league will carry
cells in their hip pads. Tight ends will be calling quarterbacks to
double check the count. Can’t have it.”
He received a $ 30,000 fine. Isn’t that enough? Should he have to serve
two years in the electric chair?
“Suspended without pay for three games -- that’d be right. Show ‘em
they can’t be yakity yaking in the end zone. And Terrell Owens with his
Sharpie -- If I were Tagyboo, I’d tell Owens to stick that Sharpie in a
place where he hopes it’s not so sharpie.”
Ooooh. That’s pretty good… for Lyle. I’m glad Lyle’s not the
commissioner. They already call the NFL the No Fun League. Under
Lyle, it’d be the LTNFL (Less than No Fun…)
or
something. Paul Tagliabue has turned this league into a giant cash cow
but sometimes he reminds you of the Tom Landry styled coach
(played by GD Spradlin) from the movie North Dallas Forty as he’s
pointing to his computer and saying to the wide receiver Phil Elliot
(played by Nick Nolte) “See, it’s right here. Right here on the
computer. You’re taking the worse mug shots in the history of mug
shots. You look like a bum off a thirty day bender. Your mug shot will
be the all-time worst ever mug shot… unless someday they uncover an
evil dictator holed up in a spider hole.”
To which Phil Elliot (played by Nick Nolte) answers “You don’t get it.
This game is supposed to be fun. It’s still a game.” Nolte
pauses, “And what the hell fun is it taking a mug shot… unless you get
groady with it?”
