on Sports
Smarty Jones


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman


    Smarty Jones is a once-in-a-decade race horse. Even though Rush Limbaugh may denigrate him as a “media darling” because some “media types” want a “wrong-side-of-the-tracks,” black horse from Philadelphia to succeed, we don’t think he’s over rated. He’s rated just fine.
    Smarty Jones is one fast… and smart horse. And not just ordinary race horse smart – where you find some horses hoofing in the dirt 1+1=2. Smarty is doing division: 100 ÷ 5 = 20.
Hoofing out that 5 separates him from the other steeds… and at such a young age.

    Smarty is so smart, he doesn’t want to go directly to stud. He’s been doing his own column in the Philadelphia Daily News and he’s wittier than most of us. He even made an appearance with the Governor of Pennsylvania Eddie Rendell, a former mayor. Jones came off, by far, as the more politically astute. Philadelphia readers sent in captions on pictures of the two together and my favorite was from Joan Burke: “Wassup? I asked for an ‘old mare’.”

    Jones and his trainer, John Servis, have been working up a stage act with an eye on the big rooms in Atlantic City. He may skip the Poconos altogether. Smarty not only makes a good impression, he does a good impression.

    For Jason Kidd, Jones stands on his hind legs, front right hoof above his left like he’s shooting a free-throw and then like he’s bouncing a ball. Then he brings the right hoof up to his lips and kisses it. That has to kill in Atlantic City.

    John Servis yells out “Rocky” and Jones is back up on his hind legs, dancing with front legs overhead, a snarl on his lips while bleeting out “A-dri-an, A-dri-an.”

    For Carol Burnette, Jones reaches his right front hoof up, tugs on his ear and winks.

    For Dr. Strangelove, Smarty’s right leg is jerking upwards while his left leg is trying to hold it back. Servis is hoping audiences remember Peter Sellers’ performance.

Smarty Jones

    For Ah-nold, Jones pushes his two front hooves together like a body builder. For an advanced Ah-nold, he’s moving his hooves up and down really fast, like the Grope-i-nator.

    For Jackie Gleason, Jones has his right hoof punching into the left hoof “pow-right-to-the-moon” move down pat. He’s even learned to dance across the stage in the “and-away-we-go” move.
    They even have him standing behind a podium doing political impressions. For Bill Clinton, he’s smoking a cigar and not inhaling. That’s uncanny. For John Kerry, he just stands there and makes his face really long. For George W. Bush, he brings his legs up to the podium, leans on them, shows lots of teeth, laughs a goofy laugh and then tells a joke that’s not really a joke. Then for Dick Cheney, he crosses his front legs over his heart and feigns a heart attack.

    Smarty Jones is hilarious. I’d pay good money to see his show. This is one smart horse.
Rush Limbaugh needs to relax, pop a few more OxyContins and keep his opinions to himself.

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