Want more proof our specie is wading in the shallow end of the gene pool? Spike TV.
For those unfamiliar, SPIKE is the man’s answer to
LIFETIME or OXYGEN. It’s a network for manly men, men who use jalapeno
Visine, buy their 80 grit toilet paper at the hardware store, hand dig
ditches without the use of a shovel. Wimps, the whipped and the emos
need not bother tuning in. There are forbidden words on Spike TV, words
like “Oprah” that if you utter means immediate Singapore deportation to
meet a stack of # 10 canes.
Only on Spike TV could there be a reality show called Pros vs Joes.
This is where an everyday Joe who always thought he could be a sports
star competes in a skills competition against a former pro. Have you
ever dreamed you could block the roundhouse kicks of Chuck Norris? No,
that would be suicidal, right? One misstep and your decapitated head
goes flying into your neighbor’s back yard.
“Nice day for a bar-b-que.”
“Fred? Is that you? Where’s your…”
Of course, this is right after your mind starts
screaming to your body “whoa, stupid idea. Can we cancel? Can we
We told you sport fans were crazy. Sports fans who watch Spike TV… need we mention?
This year Pros vs Joes
is being advertised as “Bigger. Badder. Ballsier.” Adam “Pacman” Jones
has joined the roster of pros. Pacman is out of football at the moment
but does this mean you could run downfield and catch a pass on Pacman?
Here’s a clue. Unless you were a star receiver in college, Pacman can
run down the field backwards faster than you can run forward. Still,
that doesn’t keep hundreds of JOES from lining up for their humiliation.
The casting call reads like this: Pros vs Joes
is looking for everyday Joes to compete against the best athletes in
the world. If you are super out going, between the ages of 25-35 in
prime physical condition and ready for anything, please apply. If you
have ever been paid to play a sport you may not be eligible.” Then it
goes on to say if your leg is broken or you wind up on a respirator,
you’re on your own. You will, however, get a nice video to watch while
Who wouldn’t love getting in the ring with Bill
Goldberg? Or hitting against John Rocker? Or trying to drive the lane
against Xavier McDaniel? Don’t forget, the X-Man, Xavier McDaniel, is
now 50 years old and you might be half his age. Forget it. Some of
these guys trying to get a shot off against McDaniel looked like real
basketball players but it made no difference, grand dad was going to
swat the ball back into their teeth anyway.
Not all the Joes are shmoes. Some can ball, some
were college stars. In a Ron Shelton movie sense this show is a venue
for the Tin Cups and the Billy Hoyles and Sidney Deanes from White Men Can’t Jump,
guys who thought they could compete but for some reason or other hit a
wall. With that point in mind, when it reveals even the top Joes can’t
cut it, the program has redeeming value. Yes, the sweet redeeming value
to make all the armchair and Monday morning quarterbacks who boast they
can do better than a pro… SHUT UP… once and for all. And for that,
let’s be grateful.