Sports fans are crazy, I’ve proven that. But
here’s one I’ve never been able to figure: the
bare chested painted warblers.
You’ve seen them, right, the hairless
naked-from-the-waist-up guys standing in the
cold with letters painted on their
chests spelling out their team? What gives?
How did this first start? Did a guy wake up
one morning from a drunken stupor and say
“Heyyy, I know what, why don’t we paint
letters on our chests and show off our man
nipples? Nowwwww, do I know anyone… who can
Good luck with that, inebriated frat boy! What
makes you want to brush Rust-O-Leum all over
your torso? Worried it might rain and you
don’t want to rust? Do you have that
insatiable urge to tell the world how stupid
you are by standing out in 5 degree weather
with your rock hard man-nips? Did someone tell
you if you painted Sherwin-Williams on your
uppers, your team would have a sure win?
Did someone bet you a few Benjamins, or more,
that you wouldn’t show up at the game without
stopping at the Benjamin-Moore store? How many
more paint stores do I have to mention to get
my point across?
And, for certain, that spelling thing, you’re
going to screw it up. Here’s what you signed
yourself up for, if you’re the “B” in
A-U-B-U-R-N, you have to stand between two Us
the entire game. What if you like “U”
guy to your right but can’t stand “U” guy to
your left. Or, say, “U” guy to your left has
body odor and incessantly talks about his
kitty cat. You can’t just decide you want to
visit “A” guy and then go stand next to “A”
and be by the nicer “U.” You could, but you’d
screw up the formation and people will snap
your picture and remark how dumb of these
Auburn college kids. Not only could this
happen, it did.
I’ve seen it happen many times. In fact, if a
“STATE” team is playing spelling out
“S-T-A-T-E” expect a screw up. Kids from State
schools love to mill around, don’t have the
proper painted chest responsibilities. I’ve
seen the “S” guy want to visit with the last
“T” guy and pretty soon they’re spelling out
“T-E-A-T-S.” I don’t want to do any more
man-nip jokes but… it fits. There’s more
responsibility than one thinks. People have to
go to the restrooms, somebody is going to want
to visit a buddy. That’s how an Ohio State
frat group had their “B” run off with “S”
visiting “U” and then all of a sudden instead
of B-U-C-K-E-Y-E-S you’ve got S-U-C-K-E-Y-E.
It gets embarrassing. Don’t change
positions. This is how the Alabama fans meant
to spell BEAR but instead became BARE, which,
of course, they were or how the JETS became
JEST and the TIDE turned into an EDIT, or how
the Indiana State SYCAMORES became the
YMCA…SORES. Don’t ask. I don’t even know what
a ROCKYPOT is but it was seen in Knoxville.
Even worse if guys from the same school filled
up on moonshine, got mixed up crazy so instead
of spelling VOLUNTEERS they reviled their
sexual orientation with TRUELOVENS.
If you’re going to get your chest emblazoned
with colorful enamel, own up to the
proposition it might be too much for your
little brain to handle. Get some friends to
sit a few rows in front of you with mirrors.
That way you can check to make sure you’re in
order. If you’re standing there for the NOLES,
don’t come off as the LEONS, even if all your
names are Leon, which, if you’re a Noles fan,
chances are your name is Leon. All I’m
saying is you don’t have to be the brightest
bulb to be a good fan. Be safe, don’t use
toxic paint, know your position and please
strap a urinal to your thigh (inside your
pants) because as soon as you leave, that’s
when the cameras will find your group.
Have a good time.
friend at facebook.com/stan.silliman