By Stan Silliman
FIGURES FOR GOVERNOR
It worked in Oklahoma. Football players Jack Mildren, Steve Largent and
J.C.Watts held high offices. Out of 150 plus candidates why aren’t more
sports figures running for governor of California? Macho sports stars
ain’t afraid of no deficit. All it takes to run is $ 3500 and 64
signatures so you’d think more would jump in. Maybe even O.J. on the
platform he’d use the entire California Bureau of Investigation to find
the real killers.
The closest thing California has running to real
sports figures is a sumo wrestler, Kurt “Tachikaze” Rightmeyer, and a
son of basketball player Bill Walton, Nathan Whitecloud Walton, and
Peter Ueberoth, former Olympic chairman. I’m not sure how these guys
would stack up against other non-sports candidates like Don Novello
(former SNL character Father Guido Sarducci) or Gallagher (watermelon
smasher) or Gary Coleman, although I understand Tachikaze plans to
dwarf-bowl Coleman. If Tachikaze follows through on his proposal that
could make him a two-sports star and should he dwarf-bowl a 300 game
using Coleman, he gets a little, tiny patch… and so does Coleman.
“Wait uh moment, Sillymon,” It’s Arnold again. “You
are forgetting a very big sports star. One of de biggest, you should
know – me.”
Here he goes again. Like bodybuilding is a sport.
“Listen to you. Bodybuilding is ultimate sport. I
vhas Mr. Oympia and Mr. Universe - best in whole universe. All
other candidates, dey are girlymen… and manny girls. You can’t put down
building up a body. Vhat would your head sit on, huh, Sillymon?”
Okay, so we left out a sports person.
“Not just any sports person, I vhill hafe you know,
but de greatest maker of de beoooutiful body who ever maked a
beoooutiful body. And vhat I hafe done to my body, I vhill do for
Californeya. Our state vhill hafe muscles on top of mountains.”
What about Arianna? She’s got an accent, too.
“But she is no action star. She know nothing about
running. I vhas in “Running Man” and I vhill terminate her in the
primes … the prim… you know the firstaries. If we hafe a debate, I
vhill tell her I hafe more money than her husband.”
But what about other competitors? Take Gallagher,
“I luf his show - vatermelon everyvhere. But he
didn’t take care of his body…and vith swinging de big mallet, he should
hafe. Too many fruit farmers won’t like him. Ah’m a friend to
farmer – fruit farmer, cattle farmer, vhine farmer – dey like me.”
But what about bi-lingual education in California?
“There is too much bi-stuff in our state, already -
bi-polar, bi-sexual. I say no more bi. If I’m elected, evhery person
vhill hafe to speak English… or dey vhill be terminated. Dot’s a joke.
Dey vhill be sent to Oregon.”
We understand that during the election period none
of your movies will play on California television.
“Oh, it vhould be too unfair. In my movies I hafed
saved de world from aliens. I even beat de devil. I vhas a hero spy. I
vhas a teacher of kindergarten – dot vould be lots of votes -and I even
gave birth as a man. It vhould be unfair to see me on television.”
You’re not going to be able to whip that deficit.
You need to lay a big part of it on George.
“I vhill whip it. I vhill smash de deficit vit my
little finger. I vhill make it sorry it vhas ever he-ah. I vhill tell
it ‘Don’t be bock.”
What if Joe Montana runs?
“Joe Montana? Californeya Governor Montana? Oh,
dot’s a good one. I vhill laff so haard my muscles vhill pop one of
Gallagher’s vatermelons. I vhill tell Maria, dot is funny.”