on Sports
Stones Smash Turf


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

    A Rolling Stones concert left the Fenway Park field in bad shape.

    Red Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon’s reaction to the damage on his home field: “I can’t get no… I can’t get no freaking traction.” 

    Some concert goers say the field damage was from the Stones fans and all their walkers and wheelchairs.
This begs a more important question: Why are the Stones going back on tour, anyway?
What is it this time – The Bran and Prunes Tour?  With Mick yelling out to the crowd “I can’t get no colon action” and they all yell back “Yeah, we know.”

    You know it’s bad when the fans start throwing their Depends up on stage. It’s even worse when Mick tries to do his chicken walk while having to sidestep these undergarments. And even worse when he has to also sidestep the false teeth that’s been thrown upon stage. And even worse when those same fans start gumming to the music. 

    There are a lot of things we’re cringing about on the latest Rolling Stones concert tour. 1) The stage dive into a mosh pit full of fans with walkers… and then being carted along by fans turning their walkers upside down. 2) Keith Richards cutting his heroin with Metamuscil and then it being forever known as smack-lax. That line would have worked better had they performed at the Fleet Center rather than Fenway.

    Many bands can and do come into Fenway Park without the field damage, most recently Bruce Springsteen and Jimmy Buffett. It’s just the big stage Mick and the boys bring with them and all the ramps, the A.D.A. requirements, and all those old fans wearing their Big Tongue teeshirts. Which, by the way, when it hangs over a pot belly and under a Sans-a-belt, it is no longer a good look. It’s scary, actually, and even scarier is watching a bunch of old guys who used to think they were so hip… yet many of them are on their second replacements. You know what’s even scarier – watching a sea of tongues flow back and forth to the music and then hearing all the creaking and squeaking coming from the audience.
    The shame of it all is right after the concert the World Champion Red Sox begin a 13-game homestand and they’re fighting to keep their lead or face a possible playoff wildcard. The turf has been replaced but if it’s questionable it could cost the Sox dearly. Which brings us to another question: wasn’t Babe Ruth a big Stones fan? Could this be the start of a new curse? After all, one concert fan did get hurt after she fell forty feet from an upper stadium beam. Since the tour is actually named “A Bigger Bang” perhaps she was testing if she might create such a thing. Another song she definitely emulated was “Shattered” said to be a big hit that evening.

    All kidding aside, the 30,000 fans, walkers and all, had a good time. We attribute that to the age and experience (250 years combined) of the four main guys - Mick, Keith, Ron (Wood) and Charlie (Watts) - and we’re glad they didn’t change their name to the Rolling Bones. However, the Passing Stones might not be so bad.

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